The Hot Dog Vendor: An MCTV/CTV Special

I would think that most of you know about this, but I think that several of you don't, so I'm going to need to post this PREVIEW so that you have some background before you see the feature film.

I worked one summer as a hot dog vendor. I'm currently writing a book about it. By "currently writing a book about it," I mean that I'm totally ignoring the book that I'm supposed to be writing about it. Pity, because I think that it'll be a money maker. It was a summer full of really interesting experiences. Turns out that my boss was connected to the mafia. It was a summer full of violence, vengeance and vending.

At the end of it all, on my very last day, I was sitting at my hot dog stand one morning before business had picked up. I noticed a reporter for the local news station (MCTV/CTV) who was standing on my street corner and filming the doors of the bank kiddy-corner to where we were. Obviously they were preparing for some report on the bank. So, since I was a street vendor and therefore it was part of my job to heckle passersby on the street, I said to him, "Are you here to do your exposee on hot dog vendors? Because today's my last day, you know. So if you want to do your exposee on hot dog vendors, today is your last chance." He laughed (a courtesy laugh) and I went back to reading my book (Atlas Shrugged, for the fifteenth time).

Later during the day, things got busy again. It was lunchtime, and I was feeding the masses. Suddenly, I looked over, and a woman from MCTV was setting up her camera. She started to film me, helping customers.

When there was a break in the mad rush of people who wanted to eat hot dogs and sausages, she strung me up with a microphone and started interviewing me. It went something like this:

MCTV: So what would you say is the hardest part about your job?

Me: I sell hot dogs. I'm a hot dog vendor. Anyone could do my job. Basically, there is absolutely nothing that is hard about my job.

[very awkward silence. Cicada's brain is racing to find something to say. reporter not asking a new question. find something to say! find something to say! What is the hardest part of this job??]

Me: [making it obvious in my voice that I'm stating something really stupid] You have to watch the sausages so that they don't burn.

MCTV: What condiments do people like?

[Really---what is this? There are only so many condiments that one can have on a hot dog or sausage. They're right on the table here. But I must answer the question! Quick! Quick! What condiments do people like?]

Me: [in a spastic voice] Cheese. Cheese. Everyone loves cheese. [must say something more... must say something more!] And I've found that people who like saur kraut really like saur kraut, but people who don' t like it just stay away from it. [brilliant]

[later, a man gets a hot dog and is filmed by the reporter. he puts his condiments on the hot dog but does not put on any cheese. as he walks away, the reporter calls, "Don't you want cheese on that?" the man comes back and loads the hot dog up with cheese as the reporter films it. this key footage is used when the interview is broadcast.]

MCTV: Do you ever get any suggestions?

Me: Oh, I get suggestions. One person even suggested that I start selling moose burgers. Well, they're suggestions anyway. [then I laugh the ugliest laugh that's ever been recorded]

Anyway. That night, my family gathered to watch the evening news. My interview aired at the end of the news program. Except that it didn't include any of the stupid questions---only my stupid answers. So you see me, saying, "You have to watch the sausages so that they don't buuuurn."

I'm telling you all this because after five or six years of heckling my mother, I finally have the copy that we taped that day from the news. I'll be taking it in to the library soon to get it transferred from VHS to DVD. Then I'll be having a hot dog party where we get to eat hot dogs and sausages (and saur kraut for those who like it, but not so much for those who don't and cheese! Lots of cheese!).

So if you're interested in coming, let me know, and I'll plan on you coming. I think that I might be shooting for an evening next week or next weekend. Cast your votes!