Police Beat

I heard a long time ago (but whether it was one year ago or several years ago, I can't remember) that Police Beat was taken out of The Daily Universe because people were purposely trying to get into Police Beat. Also because it was so comedic in nature.

Well, today, I happened to stumble across Police Beat on newsnet.byu.edu. And it must be shared. I have highlighted my favorites, but I will include comment on all entries.


1.1 Two jump drives belonging to sister missionaries serving in the HBLL Family History Library were stolen Monday. The two senior sister missionaries left the library around 6:45 p.m. When they returned at 7:15 p.m., the drives had been taken from the computers. The drives were valued at $30 each.

The thief obviously didn't have enough money to buy his or her own. See item 1.3.

1.2 A male student took a tray of Rice Krispie treats from the Cannon Center on Monday, Mar. 27, 2006. After identifying the student, police went to his room, where they found the tray of unopened Rice Krispie treats on the bed of the student's roommate, with a handmade sign stating "Welcome back."

Bwahahahahaha! I know that I used to sneak an apple or a banana out of the Morris Center back in my day, but the whole tray of Rice Krispie treats? That's brilliant. And the handmade sign stating "Welcome back"? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Was there a "P.S., sorry I missed you; they've taken me to jail" added to the end of the note?

1.3 A male student shoplifted a DVD valued at $9.99 from the BYU Bookstore on Thursday, Mar. 23, 2006. After being confronted by police, the student admitted to the theft and said he did not have enough money to pay for the item.

I'm going to admit it---sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I grabbed food in the Twilight Zone (as I often do), left the Twilight Zone to go to another area of the bookstore (as I often do), and left the store without paying? I don't think that anyone would catch me, because they don't know that I didn't already pay for the food. All I'm saying is that if this guy were smarter, he'd have stolen stuff from the Twilight Zone, sold it on the street for below market value, made $9.99, and bought the DVD legitimately. Duh. Food is so much easier to steal than DVDs.

Note: This author in no way endorses criminal behavior. Anything in this post that seemingly encourages illegal actions is simply a joke.

1.4 A video projector valued at $5,000 was stolen from 2074 of the WSC on Wednesday or Thursday.

This reminds me of an exerpt from Police Beat that a guy in one of my classes read earlier this semester where tens of thousands of dollars of equipment was stolen from the HFAC nad reported a year later. So mad props to whoever it is that reported this theivery in a timely manner!


2.1 A female student was berated by a male staff member after she parked in a handicapped parking space March 22, 2006. After pulling into the space in Lot 7, the staff member, who had a handicapped-parking permit, stopped his car behind hers and began yelling at her. He apparently did not realize that the student also had a handicapped-parking permit, police said.

What I wonder most here, is at what point did the police get involved in this? The situation is comical enough as it is, but how did the police get involved? Did the fight go on long enough that someone called the police, or did the police happen to walk by? Did either party start to beat the other with crutches? And how did the guy "not realize that the student also had a handicapped-parking permit"? If I were the student, I would have pointed that fact out as soon as the guy started yelling at me. I wish I worked on the police force...

2.2 Two white males harassed a female student on the first floor of the Spencer W. Kimball Tower on March 20, 2006. The men told the student she was violating ordinances against standing in a walkway, talking on a cell phone and wearing an engagement ring, and said they were making a citizen's arrest.

The most important question here is what was the race of every other person mentioned in this week's police beat? Or why does the race of these two boys suddenly become important in this entry? This is also a case where I would like to know when the police became involved. Did the white males actually try to arrest her? If they started to carry her away, I could understand the police being involved. Otherwise...?


3.1 Two male students, age 18 and 19, were cited by police for urinating in public near Merrill Hall in Helaman Halls on March 23, 2006.

So the other day, I was driving and I really needed to pee. There were a couple of times when I seriously considered having Viper pull the car over so that I could. Now I'm glad that I didn't. But this brings to mind another story. During my freshman year, my friend Magoo was over at our friend Dirtbag's dorm room in Helaman Halls. It was night. The blinds to the room were open about 10 inches. The girls looked out the window and saw a University police officer staring through the window into the dorm room. The police officer was white and female. So Magoo turned around and mooned the police officer. That's funny. What wasn't funny was the fact that then the police officer went into the dorm room and confronted Magoo about it. Magoo admitted to everything and gave the police officer her information. Consequently, she got into some serious trouble with the honor code office. Now, not that I encourage lying, but if I had been in that situation, I would have claimed that I was exercising the right to change in my dorm room, and I was unaware that my blinds were cracked (forgive the pun) open at the time. While I was changing, a police officer who was peering into my room happened to see my bare butt. That's what I would have done, anyway.


4.1 Unknown male suspects threw several wet paper wads at dorm windows in David John Hall and Hinckley Hall in Helaman Halls on Tuesday. Two female students, living in Hinckley Hall, reported that their window screen was damaged by the wads.

During my freshman year, I threw wet wads of sticky rice at the outside of the dorms, causing the rice to stick to the DT buildings. Glad I wasn't caught! Again, I'm interested to see how this particular situation all played out. Here, perhaps, is the 911 phone call:

911: 9-1-1 Emergency, this is Karen. What's your emergency?

Girls: We are in our dorm room in Helaman Halls and some projectile appears to be being launched at our windows.

911: Okay. Could you describe this projectile?

Girls: Not really---they're just coming at us real fast! Uh... they appear to maybe be wads. Wads of wet paper.

911: Is anybody hurt?

Girls: No, not yet, but we're really scared! The paper has already damaged our window screens, and we're afraid that it's going to break the glass and hurt us.

911: I'll send someone over immediately. Please don't panic, but we don't take damaged window screens lightly around here.


5.1 Visitors attending an event in the Morris Center on Saturday refused to leave after the event ended. Police responded, but the persons were gone by the time police arrived.

I actually have no comment for this one, but if you can think of something funny, add it to the comments!

5.2 Unauthorized persons were playing soccer on the Indoor Practice Field on Saturday. They complied with police requests to leave.

By "unauthorized persons," do you mean "students who aren't athletes were using the multi-million dollar facility" because don't even get me started.


5.3 Police found a wire door securing air conditioning units near the Ballroom in the WSC pried open March 24, 2006.

Dun-dun-Dun! Wreak-wreak-wreak-wreak! [insert any other dramatic music or sound effect]

5.4 Three individuals riding their bikes on a hill near Miller Field fled when police approached them March 23. A 16-year-old juvenile complied with police orders to stop, while an 18-year-old was apprehended by police in the act of fleeing. The 18-year-old was cited for evading arrest and riding his bicycle the wrong way on a roadway.

So was the 18-year-old going the wrong way on a roadway while evading arrest, or before evading arrest? It just serves as a reminder to me to obey traffic laws the next time I evade arrest.


Stupidramblings said...

RE: insert comment here [tresspassing 5.1]

The inmates were forced back into the cells where they belong.


The visitors were overheard upon exit: "All I wanted was a caffiene-free Pepsi--just one caffiene-free Pepsi."


The morris center is the perfect place to hang out--I hear there's no supervision in there...

Th. said...


You're comments on legitimizing the illegitimate remind me of a story about welfare and drug dealing.

Must remember to post it!

christovich79 said...

I'd like to report a crime:

The leading 2 candidates were thrown out for getting a better deal on flier printing than the other candidates. That's right, not a warning, but a disqualification.

Then a guy who works in the BYUSA office got fired for talking about how he thought it was bogus. (He wrote a letter to the school newspaper.)

I only know what I read in The Daily Universe.

I sent an email to the Dean of Student Life, to ask him what the deal was.

Guess what?

No answer. No newspaper article. No nothing.

Definitely communicates an attitude of, "We don't really care what you students think."

I am glad to see the office follows the letter of the law in the Honor Code. I guess the spirit of the law is just for students. OH wait, it's just for single students... to keep them from getting their sexy-time on.

I made a facebook group called "BYU Beef" if you want to share any beefs.

christovich79 said...

And... to put it in perspective.

I've gotten 2 US Congressmen (the ones in DC) to reply to my messages in the past month.

But the Dean of BYU Student Life can't send a question mark to a BYU student. Give me a break.

thedisavowed said...

I completely stole a book from the bookstore about a year ago. Well, kind of. Remember to ask me about that one.

Squirrel Boy said...

One of my coworkers once ended up in police beat. He was longboarding on Maeser Hill when a police officer saw him.

The officer then discovered he had a bench warrant for his arrest on account of unpaid traffic tickets, so he went to jail and had to call someone to come pay his bail.

He proudly cut out his police beat and put it up on the board at work.

The Divine Miss A said...

I remember being so sad when they took this out of the paper. It was always so hilarious to read.

Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

i know for a fact that people used to do stuff purposely to get into police beat. i know of someone who ripped out the mervyn's lingerie section and taped it up all over campus. i also seem to recall something that surprisingly didn't make it in...some kind of vending machine incident.

Cicada said...


I don't know what kind of vending machine incident you are referring to.

Anonymous said...

i think you do.

Squirrel Boy said...

Sounds like there's a good story involved. . . .

AzĂșcar said...

christovich79 said... "Then a guy who works in the BYUSA office got fired for talking about how he thought it was bogus. (He wrote a letter to the school newspaper.)"

I can assure you that writing the letter/talking about it were NOT the reasons he was fired. But that's all I'm going to say about that.

Cicada said...


I'd actually love to hear you say a little more...