Recently I bumped into an old friend on campus. We both were buying food to eat during the twenty minutes before we had class. We took our food and went to the lawn outside the library and took advantage of the time to catch up. She's dating someone. I'm dating someone. And in our discussion of past, present, and future, she asked me if I believe in the One Person Theory---that there is One Person out there who you're supposed to marry.
I think that the One Person Theory is comfortable on many levels. You date, you discover your significant other is not The One, you break up, and you continue your quest for The One. You look forward to the day when your soul connects with the soul of another person and you know that he is The One. It's comforting to think that there's someone out there who you're destined to be with. Comforting to think that no matter what you do, destiny will guide you toward Your One. Comforting to think that after you find and marry Your One, you will know for the rest of your life that you made the right decision because you found the only person in the world who you were meant to be with.
And it's comforting especially as an LDS person, who believes that the marriage decision is an eternal decision. Isn't it nice to know that you're going to spend eternity with the person who was created to complement you perfectly in every way?
The trouble is, I don't believe in The One Theory. (Don't get me wrong---I also don't actually believe that any righteous man and any righteous woman can marry and make a marriage work. Righteousness, though an important factor, is not the only factor to consider.) And not believing in The One Theory seems to put a lot more pressure on individuals to make a right decision. Not the right decision. A right decision. All of the responsibility is shifted from destiny to the individual.
I explained to her that there couldn't possibly be A One out there for everyone because people do make mistakes in marriage. And a mistake in marriage made by two people affects two other people. Who then are unable to marry their "One" and who therefore marry someone else's One, thereby leaving other unclaimed Ones to go out and steal other Ones. Basically, just two people making the wrong choice increases everyone else's chance of making the wrong choice.
Call me unromantic. Then again, I'm willing to bet that most of you out there also don't believe in The One Theory. So call me unromantic, but call me normal.
20 comments:
I think I have to agree with you. I believe there are probably many people in the world that I could be happily married to. But on the other hand, I married one person, and I hope to stay married to that one person. I guess I believe in Oneness to a certain degree, but not in absolute terms.
I also don't believe that any two righteous people can make a marriage work, or at least not make it work happily. Maybe two celestial people can make it happen, but I think it's beyond most people's ability.
I've never been comfortable believing in anything that sounds like something else is controlling my life, even if it is God. Besides, people are free to make their own decisions, good or bad. I've especially never believed in that theory since my mom told me that she and my dad mainly got married because they got drunk, decided to move in together, and then my grandma found out they were living in sin and bugged them to get married. (They have now been married nearly 32 years and have been sealed in the temple). I can't imagine that their marriage was destined to be that way...
Bravissima.
I would just like to note that a One that is not cold is hardly a One at all.
Also, I agree. Which unfortunately means that it is probably actually my fault, and not fate's, if I never get married.
AA: I'm sorry, but I have read that first sentence of your comment about fifteen times and I still can make no sense of it.
I'm coming out of my lurking to comment (btw, love your blog!)...
I agree. I believe that there is more than one person that we could be happy with - very happy with. How many? I don't know. And when I found a person that made me as happy as I could imagine ever being and when I fell in love and wanted it to last forever, I decided to marry him. Now that we are sealed for eternity - he IS my one. I don't need to wonder if there is anyone out there that I could be happy with - doesn't matter. I'm so very happy with him. And honestly, I like to believe that of all the people I could be happy with, he is the one I would be happiest with.
Does that make sense?
You're so unromantic, Cicada.
The answer lies here, Cicada.
I have an interesting thought for you about this that came from my brief, innattentive time at (formerly) Rick's.
Talk to me when you get home. If I'm awake.
(It's a little too long to go into detail here, or I'm just too lazy to type it out.)
My grandmother tells me that you only need two things to start a successful marriage: a testimony, and mutual sexual attraction. She HAS been married for over 55 years, so I not taking this advice lightly.
I think Church leaders spend quite a lot of time trying to dubunk the "One" theory. I could quote lots and lots of sources, but then that might make me look obsessive, so I won't.
Thinking that way (that there's some perfect "The One" being prepared just for us somewhere) probably makes us lazy and takes away our responsibility to know our own minds and make good choices.
But you know, there, Cici, it is by no means certain that another offer may ever be made to you . . .:-)
Nem: How many times have I told Cicada that very thing--about the offer?
Cici: Looks like someone isn't up on their Homestar. Good thing Squirrel Boy is. Ambrosia made me laugh!
As far as the one goes, DB DID make a mistake the first time, which was lucky for me. I did NOT make a mistake, but the person I was formerly married to did (not in the part about choosing a mate--in the part about how you act after you do). Anyway, so we got another chance for DB to get it right. And when we were in the temple, the guy told us that we promised each other to find one another and get married. As much as I'd like to believe that, I wanted to ask him if that was before or after I promised my former husband to find him and marry him, but I didn't, b/c that would have been disrespectful. But I wonder . . . how many people did I make promises to up there? I guess the bottom line is that I agree with you. Well spoken. Er . . . written.
AA (I'll take same liberties and she can correct me) was implying that the one be a cold one aka beer.
I have to agree with the nullification of the One theory. The One theory is against the doctrine of free will. We have choices about which path we go in life and we have a choice about who we are going to marry. In the end, the decision is up to you and your future intended.
I can't see how I can be expected to keep up on Strong Bad emails and all your blogs! Oh well. Now I've been educated.
Daltongirl, the story that The Boy wanted to tell me may relate to your comment. But he said that in a class he had at Rick's, they were talking about how whatever is sealed on Earth has been sealed in heaven. That means that all our temple marriages here on Earth were first done in heaven. So his teacher said that we were probably each sealed to about 200 candidates.
So that's some irrelevant doctrine (the veracity of which I'd prefer not to debate on my blog) that may or may not be true. But there it is, for what it's worth.
I think it being a "right decision" is probably pretty accurate. Lots of people hear that mission presidents tell returning missionaries to go home and get married. My mission president said, "when you get the right impression about who to marry act on it. Otherwise, you might be married for all time and misery." I'd like to think the One theory is relative, but you made too many good points for me to think otherwise.
For the past decade I truely believe "The One" for me was Thandie Newton. We just needed to meet for her to know :D
I don't know if I've found the mystical "The One", but I think I've found "My One". The person who accepts me for who I am, and who I can see living the rest of my life with.
When I threw away the concept of "The One", I discarded all the naive notions of finding the perfect person. There is no perfect person, and if there is... why would they want to be with us? We are all so flawed, the perfect person wouldn't want anything to do with us!
I've found the person is is best for me and who feels the same. That is happiness.
My two cents.
My bishop and I were just recently chatting about this. We were discussing how many possible happy unions there really can be for each one of us. Because it isn't so much about the individual, but more about the relationship you create together.
The feelings that prompt us to marry aren't necessarily the same feelings that keep us together for eternity. Butterflies in the stomach are important, but they don't last forever. Rather, it is the work you do together as a team that creates new feelings, deeper feelings, that sustain and nurture you both through the eternities.
At least that's what my bishop said.
I don't believe in the One Theory and never have - it depresses me, actually. I have moved a lot and if I did believe in the One, I'm sure things would have gone horribly wrong and the one would show up in my hometown right after I moved or something like that...so no, boo to The One Theory.
I wasn't going to post, but I figured I should post the one dissenting opinion. I agree that for 99.9% of all people there is not one person for them to marry. But I do believe that on very very rare occasions it does happen.
That said, I should mention that I do not believe myself to be one of those cases.
I would go one step farther and say that the notion of "The One" is, perhaps, one of the single greatest causes of the destruction of marriage in our era. The very idea, driven by pop culture like rom-com movies, emphasizes the crush stage and de-emphasizes reality.
How many people get married and say "Oops, he's not The One," or worse "I met a guy and he's The New The One." They endlessly search for one person who fits their ideal, painting themselves into a tiny corner.
What happens when all that twitterpation wears off and you're staring into the face of a guy who used to be The One and is now The One Who Drives You Crazy?
I completely agree that the two ingredients are testimonies and mutal attraction. May I add common visions and goals?
Now is not the time to go into my patented marriage speech--guaranteed to strike terror into the hearts of the single every where :)
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