I got a phone call today from one of my mission companions. I haven't heard from her for several months. So you can only guess what she was calling about. Here, for your reading pleasure, is the run-down of all my companions' current marital statuses:
MTC companion: Called today to tell me that she's getting married on December 28th. Her younger sister is getting married on December 27th. They're going to have a joint reception/preception on the 27th, which her parents have got to be praising the Lord for. Two daughers, one reception. Does life get any better?
Trainer: Italian and not getting married any time soon. She'll stick it out with me for sure. Her options are severely more limited than mine are, anyway, and she's a hundred times more picky than I am. She dumped her first boyfriend after the mission because he was too hairy. When the dumping time came, he said to her, "I know why you're dumping me."
She gasped and turned completely red, ashamed that her shallowness was discovered. "You do?"
He replied, "Yes. I know. I'm simply not spiritual enough for you. I don't blame you in dumping me. I could never deserve you."
She was grateful that he had suggested a valid excuse, and went along with it. "It's true," she said sympathetically. "But you'll find someone. Don't worry. You'll find someone."
My Next Two Companions: This was my threesome (I know that some of you snicker at the term, but grow up). Both sisters married their zone leaders. And live happily ever after.
And Then...: My fifth companion. Carried a picture of a guy around in her wallet who pretty much had dumped her well before her mission, but she still liked to show the picture to people because she thought he was handsome. The next picture of him that I saw was on their wedding announcement.
Clat: (She always wanted a nickname during the mission but never really got one. When, after the mission, we all realized her initials spelled "Clat," we gave it to her as a nickname and she got mad at us. No, but seriously---mad!) Was my roommate from August to April last year. Had a boyfriend. Went to our mission reunion and announced to everyone she had a boyfriend. Dumped the boyfriend. Got back together with the boyfriend. Dumped the boyfriend. Repeat six more times. Sat on her bed and said to me (perhaps a couple weeks after the last time she dumped the boomerang boyfriend), "Will we ever get boyfriends?" A week later, she had a boyfriend, just in time for the next mission reunion. Everyone asked her, "How's your boyfriend?" She replied, "Great! Only, he's not the same as last time." Got dumped by the boyfriend a week later (he prayed, and she was not The One). Had a new boyfriend by the end of April. Boyfriend went out of town for over a month during the summer. They got married on August 20th.
My first greenie: Not married, and I don't know much about her dating life, either.
Gerb: Here's another one who got a nickname. We may have nicknamed her Gerb after an awful make-out game she confessed to once playing, involving an imaginary gerbil: I'm going to kiss the gerbil on its little nose. I'm going to kiss the gerbil on his little foot. I'm going to kiss the gerbil on its ear. I'm going to kiss the gerbil on its teeny mouth. Okay. I think our gerbil's tired. Now, let's kiss each other everywhere we just kissed our gerbil! Marrying the zone leader she hooked up with at Lake Powell. Mark off Thanksgiving on your calendars!
The Spaniard: Oh, the things I could say! Suffice it to say that I think her boyfriend was basically our ghost companion during our very, very long three months together. He did really fun things like tell her she was a sinner because she was allowing me to make her break rules. ("Babe! You need to repent!" is a direct quote from a letter that Switchback sneakily read over her shoulder one day.) Nevermind the fact that the mission president was aware of and approved our activities. She was a sinner and I was Satan's spawn. Oh---did I mention they were happily married less than a month after she got home from her mission?
Do You Like Milkshakes? My final companion, who actually once asked me one day if I liked milkshakes. Does anyone but the lactose intolerant actually answer no to that? Is that really an effective getting-to-know-you question? I could have as easily asked her, "Do you breathe?" Needless to say, I mocked her mercilessly the rest of the time we were together (lest you get the wrong impression, she and I actually did enjoy our time together...) I ran into her on campus the other day and said, "We really need to get together soon," the same way I say it to all people I have good intentions of getting together with. I added as well, "To get a milkshake, of course. Because I like them. Do you?" I don't know if she's dating anyone. She's not getting married. Maybe I'll update you when we get our milkshakes.
So there you have it. I called my mom as soon as I got the news about my MTC comp's double wedding (her and her sister, remember?). I did all the fake crying and theatrics that I could muster and we laughed and laughed and laughed at my patheticness.
"I haven't even had a boyfriend since being home from my mission!"
"I haven't even had a boyfriend in three years!"
"You are a prize," my mother assured me.
"A prize that no one wants to win!" I replied.
"I blame all my weight gain this past year on the patheticness of my lovelife!"
"That's actually a good point," she said. "It has been a really bad year for you."
She eventually dumped me so that she could get a nap in before company came over, but not one minute after getting off the phone with her, she called back.
"I forgot to say the perfect thing!" She was excited about it, whatever it was. "In Relief Society the other day, a sister was talking about a happiness survey among four groups of people: single men, married men, single women, and married women. The ranking was as follows: The happiest group were married men. The second-happiest were single women. Single men are the least happy, and married women were just above them!"
"So what you're saying is that all I have to look forward to is making some man really happy, while I actually go down on the happiness scale?"
"This is the happiest time of your life!" She was absolutely jubilant.
So there you have it, folks. I may be single, but I'm fat and happy! Now excuse me while I go swallow some of the mouse poison that I just bought.