Telling Kip's Stories

I have a friend, Kip. She commented on my blog today. She is someone I know who knows Miss Hass very well, so apparently Miss Hass has heard some of my stories long before she and I ever entered the blogging world. Well, since Kip has told some of my stories over the years, I think it's time that I highlight some of my favorite Kip stories.

First of all, you have to get to know Kip a little. We'll call her Celestial Sally, because she is the most near perfect human being on the face of the planet. Yes, so perfect in fact, that she is also perfectly humble and modest and when she reads this, she will wave her hands violently in front of the screen, shake her head, and say, "No, no, no, noooo."

She got the name Celestial Sally when I was commenting to some of our coworkers back in the day. "You know," I said, "I was thinking about Kip the other day. And I thought that if one of these days, she just doesn't show up to work, it will be because she's been translated. And then I thought about that again and I realized that if God came to take her away and to say, 'Kip, you're just so perfect that you can no longer be on this earth,' she would say, 'I'd love to go! I really would! It's just that... well... they're expecting me at work... and I can't really just not show up to work... you know... well, of course you know, but... I'm sorry!'"

So start to get a feel for Kip. She's the type of person who never offends and who always does the right thing. And that makes the following story all the more funny:

So Kip had this date one night (you'll forgive me, Kip, if I get details wrong---I've been telling the story for years, and I might have forgotten some stuff or embellished other stuff). It was a first date and the guy took her to the Salt Lake Temple to, you know, walk around a bit. How awkward. Kip knew that she had no future with this guy anyway, and the date was dragging on and on and on... so at one point, as they were on the sacred temple grounds, the subject of marriage came up. Kip turned to her date and said, "Oh, well. I've always thought the whole temple marriage thing was a bit overrated anyway." They were on the road back to Provo immediately.

Another Kip story is about the three Ss. Kip---I don't know if you can even imagine this after reading my previous descriptions of her---has (or at least used to have) an apologizing problem. She will apologize for anything that happens to you and find a way to blame herself. I swear the word "sorry" comes out of her mouth at least seventy times a day. So she and her roommate decided that they needed to set a goal to Stop Saying Sorry as often (that's three Ss right there, but we only count that as one, because there are two more coming). Their next goal was to Stop Being So Sarcastic. Kip? Sarcastic? I never even thought she was, but apparently she thought she was (and so she probably apologized every time she thought she was being sarcastic). Then, since they had chosen two quite difficult goals, they chose the third S: No Having Sex. It was brilliant, really. They added it because they knew that they had been really good at that their whole lives, and with the addition of that goal, they could go home every night and congratulate themselves on having accomplished at least one of what they set out to do.

Man, I wish Kip still lived here.

6 comments:

Squirrel Boy said...

Kip! Good to see you (if you can call this "seeing"). I'm another old ISer—the one whom Cicada encouraged to grow out his curls. I think you were still around when that happened.

Limon said...

I wish I had more smooth lines like Kip's so that I could end dates early. The best I can come up with is, "I think I have the runs. Can I go home?" Unfortunately, that only creates temporary disinterest. I need something more permanent, like, "So I found out last week that we're not supposed to drink alcohol. What does 'supposed to' mean?"

metamorphose said...

I find a menacing laugh often works. Especially after the telling of a sad story.

MAN-DATE: So then my dog died.

ME: Really? Mwah ahha ha ha ha haaaa!

sakhmet said...

I think we need to have an IS reunion. I think I'm one of the oldest ISers that appears here and it warms the cockles of my heart to see that correspondence courses are still bringing brilliant, snarky people together.

Nemesis said...

This is the time to tell you, with great pride, that I knew Kip before all y'all did! And it was pretty much the funniest thing in the world to listen to her apologize for being so darned sarcastic.

Also, for my birthday one year, she bought me a beautiful cookbook from Williams-Sonoma entitled Cooking for Yourself with a picture of a single serving of food on the front. I treasure that thing. :-)

Miss Hass said...

Nemesis and I met Kip at the same time. I miss Kip. She was a fantastic roommate for 2 long, dark winters in Boston Town. She's probably going to be sainted for putting up with the Queen of Evil and Evility for two years.

Kip--Call me!