Telling Kip's Stories

I have a friend, Kip. She commented on my blog today. She is someone I know who knows Miss Hass very well, so apparently Miss Hass has heard some of my stories long before she and I ever entered the blogging world. Well, since Kip has told some of my stories over the years, I think it's time that I highlight some of my favorite Kip stories.

First of all, you have to get to know Kip a little. We'll call her Celestial Sally, because she is the most near perfect human being on the face of the planet. Yes, so perfect in fact, that she is also perfectly humble and modest and when she reads this, she will wave her hands violently in front of the screen, shake her head, and say, "No, no, no, noooo."

She got the name Celestial Sally when I was commenting to some of our coworkers back in the day. "You know," I said, "I was thinking about Kip the other day. And I thought that if one of these days, she just doesn't show up to work, it will be because she's been translated. And then I thought about that again and I realized that if God came to take her away and to say, 'Kip, you're just so perfect that you can no longer be on this earth,' she would say, 'I'd love to go! I really would! It's just that... well... they're expecting me at work... and I can't really just not show up to work... you know... well, of course you know, but... I'm sorry!'"

So start to get a feel for Kip. She's the type of person who never offends and who always does the right thing. And that makes the following story all the more funny:

So Kip had this date one night (you'll forgive me, Kip, if I get details wrong---I've been telling the story for years, and I might have forgotten some stuff or embellished other stuff). It was a first date and the guy took her to the Salt Lake Temple to, you know, walk around a bit. How awkward. Kip knew that she had no future with this guy anyway, and the date was dragging on and on and on... so at one point, as they were on the sacred temple grounds, the subject of marriage came up. Kip turned to her date and said, "Oh, well. I've always thought the whole temple marriage thing was a bit overrated anyway." They were on the road back to Provo immediately.

Another Kip story is about the three Ss. Kip---I don't know if you can even imagine this after reading my previous descriptions of her---has (or at least used to have) an apologizing problem. She will apologize for anything that happens to you and find a way to blame herself. I swear the word "sorry" comes out of her mouth at least seventy times a day. So she and her roommate decided that they needed to set a goal to Stop Saying Sorry as often (that's three Ss right there, but we only count that as one, because there are two more coming). Their next goal was to Stop Being So Sarcastic. Kip? Sarcastic? I never even thought she was, but apparently she thought she was (and so she probably apologized every time she thought she was being sarcastic). Then, since they had chosen two quite difficult goals, they chose the third S: No Having Sex. It was brilliant, really. They added it because they knew that they had been really good at that their whole lives, and with the addition of that goal, they could go home every night and congratulate themselves on having accomplished at least one of what they set out to do.

Man, I wish Kip still lived here.