Not How It's Supposed to Go

I ran into my best friend from freshman year today (hereafter referred to as BFFY, not to be confused with BFF, which stands for daltongirl). He's one of the things that made freshman year fantastic. He was charming and ridiculously good looking. What's more, he expected to spend his first year of college in the library and didn't intend to make friends. He didn't expect to meet me. The two of us became almost inseparable and it was one of those great friendships where you know that there's nothing beyond friendship to the relationship.

He went on his mission and I went on my mission, and we got out of touch. We've managed to spend a little time together since our missions and we keep meaning to spend a little more together.

Like I said, I ran into him today. I sat on the bench that he was sitting on outside the Wilk, and we proceeded to catch up a little.

I will interject here to tell you that as far as tact is concerned, BFFY ranks abysmally low. I don't know if it's fair to say that one of his charms is his utter tactlessness, but it certainly is a huge part of who he is. Example: my freshman year, he was explaining to me why he might be interested in my roommate. "It's like this, Cicada. You're pretty. But your roommate is pretty-pretty." More recently, when I ran into him on campus, he said, "Wow. You're looking pretty snazzy. Not pretty. Snazzy." Read it over a couple times and maybe you can figure it out.

So we were sitting there, chatting about future plans. I told him that I'd love to just move to Rome, but it seems that a move to Italy would pretty much put a seal on my single status. He told me that I could simply choose a man to marry who'd let me wear the pants, and he can follow me around the world while I work and he stays at home with the kids. I told him that "choosing a man" implies that there is one or more to choose from.

He asked me how old I am. I knew then what was coming. The first time I entered one of these pacts was when I was about fourteen years old. You know. The My-Best-Friend's-Wedding sort of pact. The one where you say, "If neither of us is married by the time we're 22 [because at fourteen, that's desperately---nay---hideously old], then we'll get married." It's the mutual "let's save each other from the ugly fate of forever-singlehood."

I told BFFY that I'm twenty-four. He's twenty-five.

"Let's say this, okay, Cicada? Let's say that when---"

A guy approached us with a volleyball, asking if we wanted to play.

"I am practically proposing here," said BFFY, looking the guy squarely in the eyes. "A little bit of privacy might be nice." He turned to me again, gazing into my hazel eyes. "Let's just say that when you're twenty-eight and I'm twenty-nine, if neither of us are married..."

here it comes here it comes here it comes

"...let's both move to Rome and we'll get an apartment and live a completely asexual existence."

That was not actually what I was expecting. I stood up and started packing my books into my bag.

"An asexual existence?!" I said, shoving my coat into my bag. "An asexual existence?? I don't know about you but for my part, I would actually like sex to one day be a part of my life!"

"Okay! Okay!" He grabbed at me to make me sit back down. "We will live a life of immorality! It's okay! We'll go ahead and live immorally." This he said, as if marriage weren't even something that would normally be talked about in a case like this.

By this time, my raging face was completely red. "As long as we're being facetious and committing to something we know we're never going to do anyway, why don't we just actually say that we'll get married?! Is it so bad to say? Married? We can get married? As long as we know we're never going to do it, as long as we know that this is all some freaking fantasy world, can't we say that we'd just get married??"

He conceded, obviously, because I have always worn the pants in our relationship.


Master Fob said...

What does he wear?

Squirrel Boy said...

Just remember that I promised you not only marriage, but as many cats as you want. Thus you could be a crazy old cat woman and still have all the benefits of marriage.

But then I met my wife and screwed that plan up pretty thoroughly.

Squirrel Boy said...

Okay, so I just went and read the rest of the comments on the Give Me Some Sugar post, and now it looks like I've got short-term memory problems and am repeating myself. I'll blame the insomnia.

But let me add this: I may have left your world long ago, but at least I knew how to make a proper if-we're-not-married-by-a-certain-age promise, dang it!

Cicada said...

M.FoB: Well... the pants, of course. Actually, this reminds me of a story. There was once an Italian who had a big crush on me. He was telling an American friend that he was in love with me and the friend said, "Careful. American women wear the pants." The Italian said, "Oh, she's not American. She's Canadian." The friend said, "Two pairs of pants."

ASB: And now the two of you are with child. Life is so funny sometimes. So funny that I drown my tears of funniness in my pillow hoping to someday suffocate myself...

Nemesis said...

Geez, they can't even commit in a Fantasy World!!!

And people wonder why we girls are all so fabulously single.

Stupidramblings said...

Oh. MY.

Cicada. This one should be dragged on a shopping trip. To the arts-and-crafts or fabric store. Ask him to help you with something like--I don't know--something that will totally make him want to escape. Scrapbooking.

Make him pay for what he's done to you.

ambrosia ananas said...

So, uh, does this point him above or below Mr. 0.25?

I can't believe he did that. Even my GB in high school made a proper last-resort proposal.

JB said...

The Italian said, "Oh, she's not American. She's Canadian." The friend said, "Two pairs of pants."

That is hilarious!

Sorry your guy friend couldn't do the fantasy world thing properly. That is sad. I would agree with StupidRamblings that you should take him to an arts and crafts store, but he sounds a little too outspoken for that. It wouldn't be as much fun. Maybe tell him you have another, better, last-resort plan and won't be needing his services afterall.

Coop said...

I may have a different opinion of this guy than the rest of you. In the world's eyes, this guy may be seen as the smartest man alive. He basically just tricked a woman into begging him for sex. Sure, that meant marriage too, which might take him down the brilliancy ladder a few rungs, but it's sex nonetheless. Tactless but smart.

Limon said...

As the propositionee in this situation many a time, I can say that there is not much more awkward than someone you don't like choosing you as their back-up plan. Especially because it is so tactless to say no in a fantasy world. "No, even in the Land of Make Believe I wouldn't marry you."
That guy's really hurting.

Toasteroven said...

Wow. This guy has shamed me. He's got me beat. I don't know whether to feel insecure or liberated.