I had an interesting conversation the other day. I related the following story, and afterwards, a heated debate ensued.
My grandma didn't use proper names for body parts when she was raising my father and aunt. You know---how the psychologists tell you to use the right words? Well, my grandma taught my aunt that boys had a penis and girls had a doo-dah. Imagine how severely scandalized my aunt was when she went to a Christian summer camp and all the girls around the campfire were singing "camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah."
My dear friend then said that she wouldn't use proper names when she had children. They simply didn't need to know what those things are called.
I told her that the psychologists say that the mature use of proper names is better for children than little nicknames. She didn't see the value in what I (or the psychologists) had to say about it.
"What are you going to call them, then?" I asked. "And by them, I mean penises and vaginas."
I think that her body had a miniature spasm when I mentioned the unmentionables.
She wasn't forthcoming, either, in sharing what she'd call these parts. Finally, she let the word "wiener" slip.
"Wiener??" I yelled. I couldn't control my rising voice at this point. "WIENER?? You're going to teach your children that a penis is a wiener. What about when you feed them wieners and beans?"
She replied, "I hate beanie-wienies. I'll never feed them to my kids."
I responded, "I wish I were an Oscar-Myer Wiener? You're seriously going to teach your children to call penises wieners?"
Yup.
So then we moved on to the vagina, of course. She stated simply that this part doesn't need a name. Her children don't need to have a word for it at all. No vagina. Not necessary. Why does anyone need to know the word vagina, anyway?
I'm just wondering if she just expects her children to pick up these words from the other kids (which they will quickly, and without a mature understanding that parental instruction would have helped them to develop), or if she expects to one day sit her children down when they're sixteen and allowed to date and explain to them, "Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina."
15 comments:
Everyone knows that if you don't talk about them, you won't use them. The whole maturation program of the Utah school system is based on that "fact." So of course it's a bad idea to teach names for these things at all. In times of duress, I say "privates," and then I blush really hard, because it makes me think about actually using the word "penis," and that would be too mortifying to imagine.
GAH wiener is an awful-sounding word. For mercy's sake, on what possible grounds is that preferable to the actual term? "Wiener." Ick.
Well, there's always the Canadian approach to sex-ed. I learned what 69ing was from my health teacher. It was part of one of the lessons. Then there was the entire week devoted to contraceptives: Don't have sex, but in case you do, here are ALL the ways you can prevent unwanted pregnancy. I particularly remember the teacher asking for a volunteer one day. The loudest, largest and most obnoxious boy volunteered. She had him make a fist and raise his arm. Then she rolled a condom over his whole forearm. She turned to the class and said, "If any of you guys ever think you're too big for one of these... think again."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! That is hilarious. Although I could never condone that kind of education, of course.
My favorite was in high school (California) where they showed a live birth movie. I thought it was beautiful. The boys were all completely grossed out. This made me angry, because I don't think people should be disgusted with the miracle of life. Perhaps they were just too immature to see it at that point. But my own father claims pregnancy is hideous and women shouldn't be allowed outside after their stomachs are protruding, and also that childbirth is disgusting to watch. I swear I'm adopted. Or sometimes wish I was.
Are you the one whose father looks like Tom Selleck? I just remember that when I had my "Tom Selleck Look-Alike" wall at work, either you or K.H. came and told me your/her dad looks like Tom Selleck.
First, allow me to say in my defense that I never actually said that I would use the term "weiner." In fact, I didn't say what I'll use. And I'll continue to not say, so as to deprive you the opportunity to make fun.
Now, on to my next point--why would I want to tell my five-year-old girls about vaginas?
As previously discussed, the vagina is *not* the part that they'll be washing in the bathtub. So, while I won't be yelling "Remember to wash fudge brownies," neither will I be saying "Now, honey, here's the tear-proof Big Bird shampoo. Don't forget to wash your vagina."
My reason? Well, what does a five-year-old girl *do* with a vagina? If her life is normal, aboslutely nothing. That's what. If I explain what vaginas *are*, don't you think the kids will want to know what they're for? Just like the name-game we discussed earlier, all the fine parts that have names also have uses. I don't particularly want to explain the use of a vagina to a five-year-old.
I'll grant you that my dear sweet sons will make regular use of their penises. You have more of an argument with that one. However, since you (and your bevvy of psychologists) are the champion of All Things Correct and Scientific, am I supposed to explain it *all* to my little boys? "No, honey. That's the penis, *these* are the testicles. And that there, that's the scrotum."
There's such a thing as too much, too soon. I'm not going to be one of those mothers whose children are mentally scarred and are terrified of sex because they got the Talk when they were in kindergarten and spent the rest of their elementary-school years cringing at the thought that Ms. Jones, the lunch lady, had three kids so that means she must have Done It.
Now that we've all spent way too much time discussing the future sex ed of my as-yet nonexistent children, allow me to tell you what I *do* plan to tell my children. (Short of actually supplying you with words which you, Cici, can use to make fun of me later.) I plan to do basically what my parents did. We didn't ever have the talk. What happened was when they figured I needed to know, they handed me a book. And when I figured I needed to know, I went to the shelf and got myself a book. (This was a good several years before the parents handed me the book. I was a curious child, and I wanted to know where the chickens came from.) Any questions I've wanted to ask, I have felt comfortable broaching with my parents. I hope to create the same atmosphere of openness in my home, not by overwhelming my children or telling them more than they need to know (milk before meat, anyone?), but by making the knowledge available when they do need or want it.
Think about this like checks and rocks. I'm not trying to change your mind. You and the shrinks can raise your kids as you see fit. Meanwhile, the linguists and I feel that the terms I plan to use will be adequate for matter at hand. And if my kids don't like it, well, they can discuss it with the shrinks.
Yeah, that was me. My dad looks like Tom Selleck. Or he used to, twenty years ago. He shaved off the bushy moustache, and he's balding and gray now (I suppose Tom S. is, too), so now, not so much. He's still a pretty good lookin' grandpa, though. My friends used to beg me for rides after school so they could sit in the car with him. I found that highly amusing--that anyone would have fantasies about my dad.
I'm afraid I'm raising my kids exactly the way MY mother did. Until we were well into our elementary school years, my sister and I thought the word for poop was "nasties." This was corrected when we visited a neighbor girl and learned otherwise.
On the bright side, the less the kids know the better, in many instances. If they've never even heard the word "vagina," there's little chance of them shouting it out at the grocery store (which is exactly what my daughter would do).
Ambrosia, you make me laugh, especially considering the havoc that the euphemisms Number One and Number Two are wreaking on a certain unnamed forum.
Oh, and you can add Camptown Races to the burgeoning list of songs that I can no longer sing without laughing.
I had a companion who always referred to hers as her "princess", so now we can't hear that word without totally laughing about it. I don't think our daughter is going to get any Disney princess things if we can help it...
Actually, I completely forgot that I had a companion who had taught a woman who called hers her "sister." Except that it was with a Nigerian accent, so it was more like "sista." I was in a threesome when she told me and our other comp this story, so for the rest of our time together, the word "sister" had a whole different meaning.
I of course must comment on this.
If your child asks, you must answer them.
Otherwise, they'll ask somewhere else. End of story.
Book thing isn't as bad as a lot of others; still, there are few (no?) books that will give an LDS perspective on various issues. It's much easier for kids when they know they can be open about it with their parents--means they can better be open about it with their future spouses.
My two cents, from the sex ed wannabe-expert.
Yeah, no matter what you call it, they are going to ask about it. The best strategy is to give age appropriate responses. A two or three year old doesn't need an entire sex ed lesson. At that point you can probably get away with just saying that babies come from Heavenly Father. I think I'm just going to answer questions as they come up and go with the gradual knowledge thing.
Hello all. I took a child development class from Dr. Lynn Scoresby here at BYU, and I figure he knows his stuff. The Ensign magazine seems to think so, too. :-) This article is great, and talks about the importance of preparing ourselves to teach our children without embarassment, to use "proper and appropriate terminology," and to gear teaching both to children's ages and their readiness to learn. (A. Lynn Scoresby, “Teaching Children about Physical Development,” Ensign, June 1988, 39) I personally think the whole nickname thing stems from embarassment, which was probably passed down from the parents who taught us the names in the first place.
Just remembered another thing. Not all kids will be comfortable bringing up questions about body parts and sex. So you may think they're just not curious yet, when actually they're getting information from friends, books, school, and the Internet.
So I think it's probably important to have a plan of initiating discussions (and then proceeding carefully) rather than waiting for them to ask.
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