Vending Machine Bandits

During my freshman year, I met my next-door neighbor, Magoo. It seemed that we were destined to be friends. And we were destined to get in trouble. (For other Magoo stories, see The Springboard Diving Fiasco and Police Beat.) Her nickname was Magoo and my nickname was Magoo, and our third friend's nickname was Dirtbag. (For other Dirtbag stories, see Things That Made Me Laugh Today and Phone Anxiety.)

One day Dirtbag and Magoo invited me to go and rip off vending machines with them. They explained that it wasn't actually ripping off the machines---it was just liquidating our Dining Plus money. If you're not familiar with Dining Plus, let me explain. At the beginning of the year, a freshman's parents pay for a meal plan that lasts the whole year. This meal plan put $9/day on your Signature Card (a card that is swiped like a credit card). You could use this money in any of the cafeterias, or at any of the restaurants on campus, or on any of the vending machines. You could not take money off your card, however. It had to be used for food. So sometimes, you'd build up an excess, and that would be a good time to start eating at the MOA cafe or the Skyroom.

Unless you found a way to liquidate your Dining Plus funds...

I believe that the same fat friend who could springboard dive perfectly was the one to tell Magoo how to rip off the BYU vending machines. And now I'll write this on the Internet with the disclaimer that I am not responsible for anyone who uses this information to perform illegal actions.

The three of us (Magoo, Dirtbag, and I) went out one evening to liquidate our Dining Plus funds. The procedure worked like this:

1. Choose a vending machine that has expensive and cheap items in it.
2. Swipe Signature Card. You will have over $2 of credit.
3. Unplug the phone cord around the back of the vending machine.
4. Buy the cheapest item---usually a brownie or Rice Krispie treat.
5. The vending machine will give you the treat plus change from the $2+ credit you had.

We did this all night. By the end, we each had about $20. We figured we'd made out pretty well, and really it wasn't stealing at all because we were just liquidating the money our parents had already put on our cards. Really, it was just like a bank transaction.

The next morning when I got home from class, Magoo was waiting outside my room. She said, "Magoo. Check your phone messages."

I did. There was one that said, "Yes, this is Jim from the Signature Card office. We have some questions about the vending machines in U-Hall, so if you could call me when you get this, I'd appreciate that." Magoo had the same message. We waited till Dirtbag came home and then discovered that her message was slightly different. It said, "Yes, this is Brother So-and-So [from her bishopric]. You have some explaining to do."

We decided together that we would all go to the Signature Card office together and offer back all the money we'd made from the U-Hall vending machines---not the other vending machines. Magoo was particularly worried because she'd been in to the Honor Code Office just the week before (because of the mooning incident described in Police Beat). I got all of my change from the U-Hall vending machine and waited in Magoo's car while Magoo and Dirtbag were getting their change.

And that gave me time to worry. I started worrying about what would happen if they took us in separate rooms and questioned us. Would our stories match up? What if we got there and offered them the money from the U-Hall vending machines, and they said, "Well, it seems that you also hit up several other vending machines on campus last night..." Would we say, "Yeah, well... actually, we thought you were too stupid to figure those ones out too and thought that we could get away with keeping the money. Guess we were wrong. Give us a few minutes to go home and get that money too, okay?"

By the time Magoo and Dirtbag came down to the car, I was a basket case. They got in the car and Magoo said, "Let's go to the Creamery for some ice cream." Dirtbag said, "Yeah, but let's swing by my place first to get film that I need to drop off to be developed." I started yelling at both of them: "WE NEED TO GO TO THE SIGNATURE CARD OFFICE! HOW CAN YOU THINK OF GETTING ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW! WE HAVE TO TURN OURSELVES IN! WE HAVE TO CONFESS TO EVERYTHING!"

Magoo said, "Yeah, Dirtbag, we can pick up your film."

Dirtbag said, "I love Creamery ice cream!"

At this point, I was probably foaming at the mouth or something, and Magoo and Dirtbag confessed. While I was waiting in the car, they decided to just call Jim from the Signature Card Office. After all, Dirtbag knew him. And Jim had told them that we could keep the money, just that we shouldn't ever do that again.




AND THAT GOES FOR YOU, TOO, READER. Although I have given you the know-how to liquidate your Dining Plus funds, you too are under the responsibility to not repeat our actions. Remember that we were caught and you will be caught, too.