Sexual Harrassment

I once was spoken to by my boss about sexual harrassment. She noticed that I sometimes would make comments to Squirrel Boy that were inappropriate in the workplace. Squirrel Boy never complained, of course---we were good enough friends that we knew we were both kidding---but because my boss overheard some of my flirtatious teasing, she thought it was appropriate to talk to me about sexual harrassment. I'm just glad that she wasn't around when I ran into Squirrel Boy outside the office after he'd returned from the dentist. His entire mouth was frozen, and it took all the self restraint I had not to just lunge forward and kiss him. He was a VL at the time and I thought it would be just perfect that he wouldn't actually feel the first kiss he ever got. Unfortunately for our story, I was dating someone at the time and felt that out of respect for him, I should not rape him of his lip virginity.

This weekend, Viper and I broke up. It was a very amicable breakup and there's not much to tell other than the fact that we both knew that things weren't working out and that it was better for us to break things off and remain friends. Nemesis told me that after a breakup, some people tend to think that your breakup is public property and demand to know all the details. Well, I think that I've actually pretty much given all the details already in this paragraph. If you're looking for something juicy, allow me to present to you my entire courtship with Squirrel Boy. He posted it on his blog yesterday, and now I'm stealing it from his blog and posting it on mine.

The Turbulent Love Affair

[Squirrel Boy was going through his old emails and found this priceless correspondence between us.]

Subject: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

But don’t tell anyone I told you.

[There appears to be an e-mail missing here]

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

Don’t worry — your secret’s safe with me if my secret’s safe with you.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

My lips are sealed.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

Oh, but my dear . . . that’s contrary to the objective!

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

It’s a figure of speech. You know what I mean.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

What do you mean, Squirrel Boy!? Pray, open those lips a little more and speak!

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

What do you want me to say?

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

Oh, does it matter? As long as you’re talking, sweet lips, I’ll be forever satisfied.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

This is getting out of control. I’m feeling uncomfortable, like I’m just a piece of meat to you.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

Squirrel Boy, sweet Squirrel Boy. I respect you as a person. If you really were just a piece of meat to me, I would be babbling on about your lucious legs, your strong, masculine jaw, your large, capable hands, your short, tempting hair . . . no, Squirrel Boy. When a girl wants, begs, NEEDS you to just talk to her . . . it is not meat she’s after.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

Whoa.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

That was anticlimactical . . . are you SURE you’re an English major?

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

Sometimes brevity is the essence of good communication.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

yep.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

It’s not that I’m unappreciative of the compliments (as varied and racy as they were). I was merely overwhelmed by the outpouring of affection. I thought our love affair was secret, Cicada. I’m beginning to suspect that Kristina might have suspicions, though. I don’t want anyone to be jealous, because you know they would all be blinded with jealous rage if they ever discovered our turbulent love affair.

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

Turbulent love affair . . . you have no idea what these words do to me, Squirrel Boy (scary, since they are my own). First of all, how can I continue to keep these feelings silent from you any longer!? Know you not how I have struggled to remain calm in your very presence? If you want a secret love affair, then fine, but as for ME, I am PROUD of my feelings for you and seek not to hide them from ANYone! Let Christina deal with her jealousy. I can take her on ANYday. She’s so tiny she’s not legally allowed to donate blood! I can donate 2 gallons in one sitting! (As long as I’m sitting in the same place for a year . . .)

Subject: Re: we are all secretly in love with you
From: Squirrel Boy
To: Cicada

I think you’re a little too clingy, Cicada. I need my space. I need time to think al lof this over. I think we should stop seeing each
other.

Subject: IT WAS ALL A LIE ANYWAY!!
From: Cicada
To: Squirrel Boy

Oh, don’t you think for a moment that I was ever REALLY in love with you, The Amazing Squirrel Boy! Clingy!? I was the best girlfriend you ever had. Go ahead and take ETERNITY to think it all over, because you’ll never get me back! I’M leaving YOU!! Consider yourself DUMPED because I was planning, in my next email, to DUMP YOU except that I would have said it more FORCEFULLY than that petty, inconsiderate, thoughtless, meaningless and CLICHE “I think we should stop seeing each other.” KINDLY consider yourSELF to be OFFICIALLY “without girlfriend!”

P.S., Christina says you have cute pants and she’s willing to hook it up if you like.