application to go on a date with cicada


What: David Sedaris at the Capitol Theatre
When: October 24, 2006 at 7:00


I have purchased two tickets to see David Sedaris---one for me and one for Mystery Date. If you are interested in the position of Mystery Date, please fill out the application below and either post it in the comments section for everyone to laugh at you or email me at so that I can laugh at you privately.* Women are free to apply but men will be given preferential treatment.

*I am not actually interested in finding a stranger to take on this date. Mostly this is just to be funny. If you know me, feel free to apply and I may choose you. If you know someone who knows me, feel free to apply and fill out the "references" section. If you don't know anyone who knows me, forget it. You have no chance. Buy your own freaking ticket.

Although this application is specifically for seeing David Sedaris on October 24, if you would like to go on a date with Cicada on another day, feel free to compose an essay explaining why you would be a good date for Cicada.

(to see David Sedaris on October 24)

Are you homophobic? (If yes, you need not continue.)

Will you be put off by potential use of the f-word in the reading/performance? (I will not be using the f-word at all during the date.)

The tickets were not inexpensive. What are you willing to do to show appreciation? (Check all that apply.)

0......arrive on time
0......bring flowers
0......dress nicely
0......compliment you (Cicada) on how nice you look
0......treat you (Cicada) to homemade dinner
0......treat you (Cicada) to restaurant dinner
0......take you (Cicada) on a future date
0......make out at the end of the evening

I don't want to waste this ticket on someone who isn't familiar with David Sedaris's works and isn't incredibly excited to see him live. Please write a brief essay on which is your favorite David Sedaris piece. If you are not familiar with David Sedaris but feel that for some other reason you should qualify for this date, write a brief essay detailing your reasoning.

Shamelessly suck up to me right here:

Thank you! I will be announcing the winner as soon as I find one. To all my friends who actually love me, please refer a friend.


Saule Cogneur said...

1. Most certainly yes. One of my closest friends recently moved to Seattle. He will vouch for my paranoia.

2.Yes, nothing offends me more than damn people who “use profanity because they are not intelligent enough to use real words.”

3. I will arrive on time, bring a picture of a flower, wear overalls and no shoes, shower you with inane compliments made to describe all females between ages 15 and 50, make you bread if you like, take you to dinner if you like Thai, take you on a future date if you promise to marry me first (one date is all a guy really needs), make out with you if you be a man and make the first move.

I luv Davd Sederis. He is kewel. I wood like here he speak good. I like he right good like me.

You are the most perfect person I have ever met, Cicada. I hope that one day I can win comparable adoration from fellow bloggers. It has always been my dream to bear your first-born. You may say it’s impossible, but I’ll find a way.

jinxidoru said...

You should add, "Are you comfortable with bumping into multiple of my ex-boyfriends?"

Th. said...


I shan't be applying (nothing personal), but my favorite Sedaris piece is actually a piece of fiction--where these Belgians (or something) think the narrator is a seriel killer. It's very funny.

And, incidentally, we have a lady i our ward who looks strikingly like his sister.

Tolkien Boy said...

I would kill people who only slightly deserved it to listen to David Sedaris live.

Figures I'd move just before he showed up...

Mary said...

You are my stinking hero.

Melyngoch said...

I want to be on the list of people who love you.

Squirrel Boy said...

I just wanted to say that I really like your logo.

Th. said...



Is this just staying on top till the 24th?

Limon said...

1. No, though I am afraid gay people falling out of the sky, which I guess would make me aerohomophobic. I am also afraid of groups of thirteen gay people, which would make me triskaidekahomophobic.

2. Though I don't approve of the f-word in casual conversation, I do think that it is appropriate in certain circumstances, like "I have fetish for ice cream sundaes."

3. I will arrive on time.

I will bring you flower.

I will wear my tux jacket for which I have no bow tie.

I will say something like "Did you just come from the Miss Utah Pageant?"

I will treat you to a restaurant dinner, but not a homemade one because I live with five other men and we don't clean enough.

I will take on a futuristic date, where we will wear metallic clothing and sunglasses and listen to the Wyld Stallions' electric guitar solos while playing really slow air guitar.

I will sing French art songs like Lydia, Apres un reve, Hebe, and Quel gallant m'est comparable? while you dance in a circle on your new hardwood floors.

I will let you watch tv and eat and surf the Web as often as you like.

I will continue to list off things I will do on our date.

4. My favorite essay about David Sedaris is the one on Wikipedia that I skimmed after reading this post. He is really prolific, and that means he must be good, right Gerald Lund?

5. I have really missed hanging out with you and I haven't even seen your closet. You are the sunshine of my life. You complete me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains. You, doin' that thing you do, breakin' my heart into a million pieces, like you always do.