Engaged or Unchaste

Phone transcripts from this morning, transcribed by memory and edited for readability:

9:30 a.m. MST: Ring, Ring!

[Cicada checks phone. Sees that it is old mission companion / old roommate.)

Cicada: Pronto?

CLAT: Pronto. Hey. Did you get the invitation to go to the mission reunion?

Cicada: Yeah.

CLAT: Are you going to go?

Cicada: Uhhhhh... I don't know yet. [That actually means no.]

CLAT: Because I want to know if there are people there worth going to see. No one good came last time, and it was boring. Aren't you going to, like, bring your boyfriend?

Cicada: Wasn't planning on it. I didn't think it would be anything that would interest him. He's busy most evenings, he doesn't like to be paraded around, and I don't really see the point in bringing him anyway.

CLAT: Oh... are things not going well?

Cicada: No. Things are going great. It's just that I'm not really interested in bringing him to the mission reunion when I wouldn't choose go to mission reunions otherwise.

CLAT: Oh. Well, do you know if Switchback is going?

Cicada: Haven't talked to her about it.

CLAT: If she comes into town for it, I'll go. But I don't have her number.

Cicada: I'll call her now. It's early for her, but she should be up.

9:34 a.m. MST/ 8:34 a.m. PST

Switchback: Pronto?

Cicada: Hey, 'ssup.

Switchback: Are you engaged?

Cicada: You know, as I was waiting for you to answer your phone, I realized that you would think I was calling to tell you I was engaged.

Switchback: Yeah. Because why else would you be calling me first thing in the morning? Either you're engaged or you had sex.

I would like to take a moment and pause here to call attention to the fact that this was really funny. Apparently, the only two reasons for calling Switchback in the morning are because I'm engaged or because I'm unchaste. Going on...

Cicada: Yeah. Uh. Neither. Definitely neither. I'm calling because CLAT wants to know if you're coming to the mission reunion.

Switchback: I'm going to be in London. So no.

Cicada: Are you going to take a trip down to Italy?

Switchback: I should. But instead, I'm going to Scotland.

Cicada: Oh. That's cool and all. You know... that you didn't actually ever care about anyone on your mission enough to want to go back and visit them.

After this point, the conversation basically degenerated into a big fight over who's turn it is to visit whom. Of course, it's DEFINITELY my turn to go down to San Diego and visit her. But I don't have the time or money for something like that.

Now that I've shared those stories, let me share a fairly recent Switchback story. It's only a few months old. Again, this is a phone transcript from memory, so be aware that I've taken a little creative license, perhaps by making myself more witty and eloquent.

Switchback: So when my [non-member] date was dropping me off, I asked him if he wanted to come up to my apartment. He said yes at first, but then he said that he probably shouldn't, and he just walked me to my door and went home.

Cicada: I'm sorry, you invited him up to your apartment???

Switchback: Yes.

Cicada: Look. I think that means sex Switchback. I mean, I've never not been a member of the Church or anything, but I think that means sex.

Switchback: What??

Cicada: Yes! Look. I'm no expert, but according to every single movie I have ever seen, the words "Do you want to come up to my apartment" mean sex.

Switchback: No! Do you really think so?

Cicada: Yes! And then it makes sense what he said! He thought that you were being really forward and inviting him up for sex, and he said yes at first and then he had second thoughts and said that he didn't think that he should.

Switchback: Oh no!

Cicada: Oh yes! I mean, in Mormondom, that's totally fine. "Do you want to come back to my place" means hot chocolate and if the guy is really lucky, a board game, but in the real world, it means sex. You invited a man up to your apartment for sex. Nice.

And even more recently, a conversation about jocks:

Switchback: So that guy that I told you about? He broke up with his girlfriend, and he was totally on my jock all night. And I was like, Hey, you had your chance. But I won't deny that it felt good.

Cicada: Excuse me? He was on your jock??

Switchback: Yeah. Totally.

Cicada: What does that even mean? I didn't think you had a jock.

Switchback: You know what that means. On my jock! You know!

Cicada: I have never heard that expression before in my LIFE.

Switchback: You're not serious.

Cicada: I am serious.

Switchback: On your jock. You know. Like, totally all over you and interested in you and stuff.

Cicada: Huh.

Switchback: So how are things with you and your boy?

Cicada: I'm on his jock.

Ahhhh, yet another post dedicated to how much I miss Switchback. Love and punches to you, Switchback. Love and punches.


switchback said...

Ok, so I was up studying for a final with 30 minutes left and a former mission pal calls on a tuesday morning, what else was I supposed to think? 2) on my jock is a common phrased used by the local people of this area, I was just trying to habituate myself with such terminology 3) good thing you included all those "like" comments. Do I really say it that often? 4) love and punches to you too quickhands

Cicada said...

Switchback: I only counted one "like." So I don't know what you're talking about.

Love and punches back.

AzĂșcar said...

I love this post.

"Want to come upstairs?"


daltongirl said...

Bwahahahaha! You're on his jock.

redlaw said...

Wait a minute - I am from outside Mormonland and have invited boys to my apartment before...oh, wait, I forgot - I'm a wanton slut...nevermind, carry on...

Th. said...


Oh my....

I'm currently pulling myself off the floor....

When I stop crying I'll post a real comment.

Tolkien Boy said...

Cicada, I miss your stories. This is just another case in point.

Keep living your life. The rest of us need the laughter.