I'm a failure.

After almost seven months of marriage, it's finally time to admit that I am a complete failure. Please see this Marital Rating Chart.

Now, let's see how I do...

DEMERITS

1) Murray and I always head to bed at the same time, even if it takes him a few more hours to fall asleep. (Looks like I'm okay on this one.)

2) I teach Sunbeams and I usually like them okay, so I don't think that I lose points for this either. Except that Murray is more comfortable around children than I am...

3) Murray has had two jackets that needed buttons sewn on. And I neglected to do it all winter and I even lost one of the buttons, and now it's too hot for him to wear jackets anyway. And I don't darn his socks, but I'm secretly plotting to throw out 90 percent of his darn socks when he's not paying attention. (Murray is a sock collector... in other news, we'll be hosting a sock animal craft day very soon where the collection will hopefully be depleted.)

4) I don't wear any dresses around the house! And right now, I look like this:

5) Damn.


6) Actually, I'm quite punctual, so PHEW!

7) I don't wear hose during the summer, which I am sure counts against me. As far as the winter, I always wear patterned hose, and for some reason, one leg always looks like the pattern is twisted around, no matter what brand I'm using and no matter what way I'm putting on the hose.

8) I have gone to bed with curlers in my hair before. And I don't ever wash my face at night... which I'm sure counts against me.

9) Check. I thought that's what husbands were for. Apparently it's what Murray thinks socks are for. But I never wear socks, so I have to use him to keep my feet warm. (I bet never wearing socks counts against me because my feet are calloused and leathery...)

10) Uh... First of all, I'd like to say that at least I defer to Murray's manly right to drive (I prefer not to drive if I don't have to). But Murray will be the first to admit that his sense of direction is not the best, and neither is his sense of awareness. Like one time, we were going to the mall, and he drove to and parked his car in front of Best Buy. Several blocks away from the mall. And had I not pointed out that we were not, in fact, at the mall, he might have even gotten out of the car. (This quality is endearing... but requires that I do a lot of backseat driving... apologies, Murray!)

11) Do brothers count? Because sometimes I flirt up a storm with The Boy. And sometimes I sit really close to him. And sometimes I pinch his bum.

12) Sometimes I'm suspicious that Murray is bringing me a present home, but that's as far as my suspicions go...


MERITS

1) I am a good hostess, but we haven't actually hosted any parties, or really invited people over to our house, so I think that I lose points here.

2) By "has meals on time" does this mean that we get to the restaurant on time? Because between work and the commute, I haven't actually been able to make many meals in the past 7 months...

3) Oh, at least I get a point for this! This was actually on Murray's real list for qualities that he needed in a wife.

4) It doesn't say that I have to play the instrument well, right? Well, I can play the piano a little bit. And I'm a Jew's Harp master. (I bet Murray doesn't even know that about me.)

5) I do dress for breakfast. Which I eat in the car on my way to work every morning. Does this imply that I'm supposed to be eating breakfast with my husband?

6) I don't want to talk about it.

7) Children? I have not yet produced any children, which I'm sure counts against me, unless you consider that producing children in less than nine months of marriage is a bad thing... in which case I'm doing pretty well. And I'm good at putting myself to bed on time so that our fetal baby can get the rest it needs.

8) Since there's never anything to be angry at, this one's a cinch!

9) By "asks" opinion about purchases, does it mean "strongly advises about purchases"? Because I'm good at that. See new couch with to-be-made pillows:


10) I'm pretty good at being gay.

11) Oh my gosh, I teach children in Sunday School. I think I get 20 points for this one.

12) Although Murray would say that I do this, the truth is that I roll around in bed and kick him enough once I'm awake that he wakes up soon after me. But this is because I like doing things with him, so I'm happiest when he's awake. But I think I still have him convinced that he's waking up on his own.


I think I come out a little less than neutral. I might fit into the average or poor category. But since this is apparently only the first page of the chart, I can't tell. (What I wouldn't give to see the other pages!)

8 comments:

Murray Terreno di Amore said...

If only we lived in 1939, I could really issue DEMERITS as a husbandly right........well maybe only .1939, Nazi Germany,, I can't believe this was real.

AzĂșcar said...

I might as well resign. I'm a travesty of a wife.



p.s. are there to be sewing geese?

Jenny said...

I am also a failure. But I'm kind of glad I failed.

Saule Cogneur said...

Awesome. I've been looking for this kind of chart for years.

jeri said...

Oh good, there are more pages? I was questioning the math skills of the writer. Hard to get to 76 when the max points on the page is 25... Either way I didn't do that well either.

ambrosia ananas said...

You're in luck. You can find the rest here. (Thanks to Zillah for the link.)

Th. said...

.

For your marital salvation.

Oh.

Curse you, Ambrosia!!!!!

Ginsberg said...

Hey, is it okay if I visit your blog again after a long absence?

Wow. Looks like I'd be a pretty crappy wife. That husband list is pretty funny too, but much less demanding--I think I'd fair pretty well if I can quit smoking in bed and stop being a "sissy."

The bit about reading aloud to one's wife struck me as quite funny--you obviously should read to your wife because girls can't read, silly! Also, that bit about making sure one's wife has an orgasm was quite unexpected. Just as long as she's not wearing red toenail polish.