My Christmas Gift to You

Dear Readers,

This Christmas, it would be impossible for me to send you each a personal gift. First of all, I don't know many of you. Second of all, I don't have that much money or time. But one thing I can give to you this Christmas is some of the best advice I have to offer.

1) When you open a yogurt container with a foil lid, do not just open it. Chances are one in three that it will spurt out yogurt all over your outfit. Before opening it, puncture a small hole in the lid (use the handle of your spoon to do this) to allow it to breathe. Then open normally. No ruined outfit.

2) When you have the hiccups, the fool proof method of getting rid of them is to swallow nine times between hiccups. Why nine? I don't know, only that I saw it on Oprah when I was about twelve years old and I've followed that advice ever since. People who claim that water doesn't cure the hiccups simply aren't swallowing enough water. They're taking a couple sips and then expecting the hiccups to be gone. Either swallow nine times between hiccups without water (sometimes very challenging) or swallow nine times with the aid of a food or beverage. Your hiccups will be gone. Only one person I've shared this advice with has ever contested it. Kelly Roxanne, who hates the hiccups more than your average citizen, swallowed nine times between hiccups and they didn't go away. But then she swallowed nine times between hiccups again and they did go away. Since this is the only anomaly, I must conclude that she had two consecutive bouts of the hiccups.

3) This sweatshirt from Old Navy.
It looks like a sweater. So you can wear it to work. Seriously, go out and buy one right now. Your boss will think that you're adhering to the business casual policy, but you'll know that you've come to work in your sweats.

4) These yoga pants from Old Navy.
Wear them to work with a nice shirt or sweater (see above) and nice shoes. Again, your boss will think that you're dressing nicely for work, but deep down, you know you're wearing lounge wear.

That, my friends, is currently the absolute best advice I have to offer. May it bless your lives.


Nerd Goddess said...

*Note to self, go to Old Navy.

Oh, and yes, water always always always cures hiccups. At least for me it does. :)

Thanks Cicada!

bedelia said...

Number 1 is genius.

Anonymous said...

Done and Done. Thanks girl!! :)

NF said...

Hey girl...I have a hiccup trick, too. Drink seven gulps of water without taking a breath in like magic.

spart said...

I found that drinking water from the wrong side of the glass works. That is to say, you must bend over a sink and drink from the far side of the glass. This may only work due to the intense concentration it takes to not get water up your nose, however.

Merry Christmas Cicada!

alishka babushka said...

Ever since I read this post, I have punctured my yogurt lids, and am pleased to say I haven't ruined an outfit since. Thank you Cicada, for your sharing your brilliance.