Suddenly Single

Well, it's official. I've dumped all my TV boyfriends this season. Yes, I'm heartbroken, and yes I'm lonely, but gosh darnit, I have standards, and if I'm going to have to live alone with those standards and a pride of cats for the rest of my life, then so be it.

We'll start with Jack Bauer:

Dear Jack,
Oh, how can I express my disapp0intment? Sure, there was enough material in the four-hour season premiere to seriously test my ability to suspend disbelief, but when hour 5 turned into a soap opera, how could I not laugh out loud? I'm sorry, Jack, but your evil twin brother? (Okay, so he's actually not a twin, but please---can we get any cornier?) And not only that, but you have a "history" with your brother's wife? (And whose son is that, really??) Please. Jack, I'm dumping you because you are a man whore. Every woman loves you and you break every woman's heart because your true love is your country (but possibly you have a little man-crush on ex-terrorist-turned-really-nice-guy, Hassad). By the end of this season, we'll find out that Chloe is actually carrying your baby, and that she got pregnant before you went to China, but that your super-spawn requires an extra-long incubation period. We're through.

Next, we'll go with Danny Taylor:

Dear Danny,
There's just something about you this season that has left me feeling empty and disillusioned. You have continued to dress extremely well, and your hair is still perfectly fuzzy, but there's just something I can't quite put my finger on. You no longer appeal to me. Don't think that I'm leaving you for your coworker whom you call "brother," Martin. Don't think I'm leaving you for your boss who has serious issues, Jack. No, Danny, I'm leaving you because I prefer being alone to being your girlfriend. I know that hurts, but you have to face the facts. And yes, this may have something to do with the fact that you recently hooked up with your Hispanic coworker, Elena. I mean, did the writers of the show really have to do that to you? I don't even like her! And did they write her into the show just so that the two Hispanics could hook up? Oh Danny. How could you forget that I have a Latin name? Wasn't that enough for you? Why, Danny? Why?

And of course House:

Dear Greg,
Sometimes I feel like I'm watching the same. exact. thing. every. week. Get off the freaking pain killers. I'm sure that your writers can still make you interesting without the drug addiction. Or maybe they can't and that's why you're still an addict. I no longer care about you, Greggie. And I'm not leaving you for Wilson, either, because I haven't been impressed at all with his behavior this season.

There's always Gob...

Dear Gob,
I miss you. Please come back to me, Gob. Come back!

Aaaaaand of course Jim...

Dear Jim,
Actually, you were never my boyfriend because I always thought that you and Pam really deserve each other. Best of luck with that---I think you're doing a good job. Yours truly, your BFF, Cicada.

And although none of the men on Lost have ever been my boyfriends, here's a shout-out to them all:

Dear Lost,
We'll be seeing each other again very soon. And you know what? I really couldn't care less. Your show was good first season. It was okay second season. Third season? It's a load of crap. And it's proof that although some American shows really should plan a plot and execute it over a finite and planned number of seasons, no American shows ever actually do that. Your show would have been so much cooler if you had actually planned a beginning and an end, rather than trying to keep this group of people on an island for longer than anyone cares to pay attention. So you came back for a few episodes in the fall and then left off for another four months. Who do you think cares enough to tune back in next month? I'm dumping you.

**Please note that although I have "dumped" all my boyfriends and all my shows, this in no way will affect my watching their shows. I will continue to watch each of these shows (except Arrested Development for obvious reasons) because I still have an emotional attachment to each of my boyfriends that I cannot immediately sever.