My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble...

As everyone knows, my boyfriend Jack Bauer is back from China. We had a Sunday and a Monday date this week, but we've decided to cut it back to just Mondays for the next few months. You know, he's a very busy man, so I've got to give him his space. In honor of 24's return to television, I'd like to share with you 24 observations from Sunday and Monday evenings:

1. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. No, for reals though.

2. I know that Jack is having a hard time adjusting from being tortured in a Chinese prison where he didn't speak for 20 months because it took him a full hour and twenty minutes to get a gun. An hour and twenty minutes, people!! Jack's obviously a little sluggish.

3. Jack didn't get much red meat in prison, which actually made killing his first terrorist by biting him in the neck, vampire-style, a tasty, tasty kill.

4. The blood reactivated Jack's vocal chords. No more whispering after biting the guy to death.

5. Some families get up and are all ready for school and work by 6:00 in the morning. Some neighbors are up and ready to beat up or kill prospective-terrorist-neighbors before 7:00 a.m. Some people are really, really morning people. I'm not.

6. The American government does not negotiate with terrorists. Except sometimes they do, you know, like when the terrorist threats are really, really bad. And then they meet terrorist demands because maybe the terrorists will be trustworthy. But then, you know, Los Angeles gets nuked. Maybe the American government should go back to its policy of not negotiating with terrorists.

7. If the American government had arranged for Jack's release about an hour earlier, he would have been sufficiently rehabilitated to stop the nuking of Los Angeles.

8. Speaking of Jack's rehabilitation, I learned that a man can recover from an amazing amount in just four hours. Well, if that man is Jack. Jack was able to speak again, resocialize himself, regain his killer instinct, correctly assess the state of terrorist affairs in America, and get up to full running and killing speed after his Chinese imprisonment and after being tortured briefly. On the other hand, Ahmed (he's going to kill me because I don't know how to spell his name, but gosh-darnit, I know how to pronounce it!) was unable to recover from mere glass being stuck in his leg. Come on. Jack had his nerve bundle tweaked, and he had some horrid, horrid stick thing shivved into him.

9. Speaking of torture, jabbing a pen into a man's shoulder will not make him give up his terrorist secrets. Sliding a knife underneath his knee cap will.

10. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. Did you think we were kidding?

11. It's really easy to walk into any person's house and find clothes that are such a perfect fit that even while you're not quite "with it" after your Chinese imprisonment and stuff, everyone watching you is thinking, Dang, he looks good.

12. The American government does not negotiate or work with terrorists. Especially not ones who have been terrorists for the past 20 years. Well, except when they are deciding to renounce terrorism and become a legitimate political force now. Then the American government will work with them. It helps if they're tall, dark, and handsome. It also helps if they're really basically pleasant chaps.

13. I really want a Toyota. I can't quite figure out why...

14. I really like Nextel. I can't figure out why...

15. The product placement in 24 provides some much-needed comedic relief. The only thing better would be the actors actually doing the commercials for these products during the breaks. I can see Hassad (Assad?) saying, "Buy Toyota! The ex-terrorist-turned-legitimate-political-entity car of choice!"

16. You should really sacrifice your family members whenever possible. If the wounded terrorist neighbor kid tells you to deliver a package for him or he'll kill your family, let him kill your family for heaven's sakes...

17. ...or call 911 because the cool thing is that they'll put you right on the phone with Jack Bauer. But do that right away because if you wait too long to do that, Jack Bauer won't be able to save the city from the nuclear bomb.

18. In a previous season, the producers discovered that the viewers liked it when Jack Bauer shows his weakness and cries. They cashed in on that pretty early on this season. Poor Jack Bauer. Poor, poor Jack Bauer. If I were him, I'd consider death pretty welcome, too.

19. Girlfriends don't tend to really stick around after you intentionally disappear for a couple of years, reappear for one day (24 hours to be precise), and then go to Chinese prison for another 20 months. Well, girlfriends like Audrey. Girlfriends like me? They're always there for Jack.

20. You shouldn't assume that all persons of Middle Eastern descent are terrorists. Only, on the whole, you'd be safer if you did. Except in the case where the bus driver wouldn't let on the Middle Eastern man who just wanted to get to work. In that case, the Middle Eastern man was safer because he was discriminated against and the bus driver got blown up. By an Asian suicide bomber. Ironic, really. Still, it's a good thing it wasn't Whitey and that it was, in the end, a visible minority. It makes me feel so much safer when the white guys are not the terrorists.

21. Except who's going to be the CTU mole this year? We've had one every year without fail, and it's usually Whitey. Why did I ever trust you, Whitey? Why?

22. When Jack said not to let Kim know he was back, I was kindof glad. And by kindof glad, I mean really, really glad.

23. Even though Jack says he can't do it, he can do it. Poor, poor Jack. He has to do it because no one else can. The world needs Jack Bauer.

24. Did we mention that VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED AND THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM MAY CONTAIN CONTENT THAT WILL MAKE YOUR EYES BLEED.