Tonight, after David Sedaris shared three pieces I'd never heard before, he filled some time by reading entries from his diary. These entries were short, to-the-point, and hilarious. One mentioned that in a conversation in French about his experience observing work in a morgue(?) for a week, he tried to sum it up by saying, "On the whole it was---" only to realize that he'd forgotten the French word for unforgettable.
Sedaris's performance tonight was certainly inoubliable---unforgettable. But I hope that, in a way, his experience with me might have also been just a little inoubliable. It certainly made an impression.
Let me start at the beginning. Rachel came and picked me up a little early. She opened my car door, and there was a bouquet of flowers waiting for me in the passenger seat (my mom was worried that people might think that I'm gay because I ended up choosing Rachel for the date, and I must admit that in that moment, I felt just a little bit gay). In just those two gestures, she outdid any other first date I've ever had. We went to Red Rock Brewery for a delicious meal (paid for by Rachel) and then we made our way over to Capitol Theater.
We immediately saw my ex-boyfriend, Big-D. It's hard not to see him---at 6'5, his head always pokes above the crowd. Big-D and I are certainly not uncivil towards one another. In fact, I'd venture to say we're on pretty good terms these days. So we stopped to talk and he told me about his horrible book-signing experience with David Sedaris. He'd given his book to Sedaris to sign, and Sedaris started asking Big-D about his ex-girlfriend as he drew a picture.
"Do you have one particular ex-girlfriend who you really hate?" he asked.
I don't remember their conversation verbatim, but after David Sedaris drew a picture of Big-D's ex-girlfriend (that's me) throwing up on the title page of Big-D's book, it came out that Big-D was gay, and that he did not, actually dislike his ex-girlfriend, and in fact, she'd be there at the performance as well.
I guess for some reason, having David Sedaris draw a picture of me vomiting in Big-D's book was not what Big-D was expecting, and Big-D was upset. I still don't understand this, but it's true. Big-D was upset.
After the (spectacular!) performance, I got in line to have David Sedaris sign my book. I was a little nervous at the thought of actually meeting him and actually having to say something to him. Instead of having him sign my title page, I asked if he would sign my favorite essay, "The End of the Affair." He wrote, "To [Cicada], my---" here he stopped to think.
"Do you go to the movies all the time?" he asked.
"Well, not all the time," I answered.
He thought a little more and explained that he just couldn't figure out what to write. I said, "Well, earlier this evening, you drew a picture of me vomiting in my ex-boyfriend's book."
He certainly remembered the experience, and told it from his perspective: "I just got this great new idea, that I would just draw a picture of some guy's ex-girlfriend vomiting in his book. So I did it, but this guy was not happy about it at all, and it turns out that he and his ex-girlfriend are actually still on good terms. He really was not pleased that I drew that picture in his book."
"Yeah," I said. "That was me."
"Well then." He started to finish his autograph in my book. "That's it, then. To [Cicada], my mistake."
So maybe, in a small way, Big-D and I were inoubliable. Or maybe tonight, Sedaris will go to sleep and completely forget about that time that he drew a picture of a gay man's ex-girlfriend vomiting and upset his fan. For my part, I will always remember that I am David Sedaris's mistake.