And the winner is...

(Crappy formatting of this post brought to you by Safari, the wanna-be-browser.)

Because I try to be a courteous dater, I have determined the Go on a Date with Cicada winner one week in advance. You may note that October 24th is less than a week away now, but rest assured, I informed the winner yesterday by email.

The winner was determined by a completely unbiased mathematical calculation of suitability for this date. Feel free to review your application to see why you did or did not win and how you can improve future applications to go on a date with me.


Saule Cogneur____5

+2_____being the first to apply
+3_____being male
+3_____offer to make me bread and subsequent private endorsement by Ambrosia
+3_____offer to take me out for Thai food at a future date (I love me some Tom Ka Gai)
-2_____trying to be funny by using bad English in his essay---I didn't know if this was a play off from Sedaris's "Me Talk Pretty One Day" or just pointless bad English. The uncertainty caused a loss of points.
+2_____sucking up
-5_____insincerity/uncertainty---I didn't know if he was just filling out the application to be funny or because he really wanted to go out and see David Sedaris.
-1_____the missed opportunity of sneaking in some French to woo me



Rachel____7

-3_____being female
+3_____sincere offer of dinner
+3_____previous knowledge that David Sedaris was in town and attempt to find someone to go with her
+3_____ownership of several David Sedaris books
+3_____love of David Sedaris strong enough to make her take a picture of his door
-4_____creepiness factor of having taken a picture of David Sedaris's door
+1_____offer to speak Canadian French
+1_____funniness of extreme yahtzee comment



Melyngoch____0

-3_____being female
+2_____turning her application into her own blog post
-1_____use of bilabial plosives in her application
+1_____disclosure of her non-sexual crush on me
+3_____links to possible outfits
+3_____knowing David Sedaris from NPR
+1_____writing a poem (only one point because poetry comes so naturally to her)
-6_____having to buy a plane ticket for her to attend the event with me



Ginsberg____0

+3_____being male
-3_____admitting defeat before ever actually applying



Limon____-1

+3_____being male
+3_____being funny
+3_____futuristic date promise
+6_____promise to sing French songs
-3_____obvious unfamiliarity with David Sedaris
+2_____sucking up
-15____the fact that he was cringing so violently during _The Producers_ that I thought he was going to implode (proves unsuitability for a David Sedaris performance)


The math doesn't lie---Rachel is the best-suited date for this event! Congratulations!

Thank you all for applying. Remember, any of you are eligible for a future (or futuristic) date with Cicada. Please note where you lost points and try to improve those areas in the future. Possible dates include:
* a trip to the Tracy Aviary followed by hot beverages and chili or soup
* dinner and a movie
* I'm already out of ideas, but seriously, cash in on that trip to the Tracy Aviary while there's still time!

14 comments:

bedelia said...

I'm dying to hear the 3rd story. Congrats, Rachel.

stupidramblings said...

The TRACY AVIARY?????!!!!! Someone will be all up on that offer. And I mean quick...

And congrats to Rachel. Who is this sedaris fellow anyway? Isn't he that guy from the musical juggernaut, Chicago?

Cicada said...

Bedelia: The third story has to do with the Quill and the Sword club on campus, so you know it's gonna be a good one! Thanks for noticing that one was missing!

SR: Limon looked him up on wikipedia. He is a brilliant pesonal essayist who puts the best of us bloggers to shame. Shame, I tell you!

Melyngoch said...

I have to say, I thought SC had it all wrapped up with that offer to bear your children . . .

Saule Cogneur said...

So did I Melyngoch. That was my best card.

Qu’est-ce qu’on peut dire? I am ever uncertain about myself and the world around me; I mask my insecurity by keeping my motives hidden and my sincerity questionable.

I am from the South, so I’m afraid my terrible grammar is authentic.

I would love to woo you with sweet nothings en Francais, but I’m afraid my ban Cois is more irritating than it is romantic.

Seeing as my weaknesses are rather permanent, I guess I can only hope the competition will be less intense next time.

Cicada said...

SC, I guess it all depends on the activity. Rachel beat you out because of her love of David Sedaris. Maybe you'll have better luck in other types of activities. For example, in less than two weeks, no one better will qualify for an online footrace using the iPod pedometer! You're currently in the lead for my future bread bake-off. And it goes without saying that if I'm looking to knock some willows, you'll be the first one I call.

Ban Cois? Educate me.

metamorphose said...

That Rachel always comes out on top!

You'll have an awesome time! JEALOUS!

daltongirl said...

I am saddened that you didn't bother to post my score. I will save you the trouble and do it for you.

-15_____not knowing who David Sedaris is

-175____not even being interested enough (or a good enough friend) to Google him to find out

-48_____not being witty enough to think of a way to apply for the date anyway

As the biggest loser, don't I deserve something? I think I do. How about lunch at your place? I will possibly return your DVDs.

Je suis tres hereux de faire votre connaissance. And that's about all the French I've got, except for the lyrics from that one song, which I refuse to say to anyone but my husband. Sorry.

Azúcar said...

Yay Rachel! I would have applied for the date except for several facts:

+15__I have been a David Sedaris nerd ever since The Santaland Diaries. I own T.A.L. discs, Sedaris books, recording, swag, I even saw Maid in Manhattan because AMY Sedaris was in it.

-1__I saw David Sedaris live a couple years ago in SLC for my anniversary and since I've had the chance, someone else should.

-10__The 24th is my actual anniversary and my other half would be none to pleased if I went to another Sedaris event on that date.

-20__Because you have never met me in person and it's weird to go out on a blind date with someone who is never going to like you like that.

bedelia said...

So, I have a confession, I got a nano from Keybank. My sister did too. However, bob, my husband's co-worker didn't get his. He called the bank and they are sending him a new one. Apparently, it got sent to the wrong apt and the resident there just kept it. Anyways, I would call Keybank and complain like crazy until they send you a new one.

Azúcar said...

Or Get Gephardt.

Saule Cogneur said...

« La Saule Cogneur » est un nom qui est apparu dans la traduction française d’Harry Potter. Elle est certainement un arbre de bon caractère. En Québec, on dit parfois, «Il est ban Cois lui.» C’est une phrase qui décrit ceux qui sont vraiment vraiment québécois. Leurs accents sont si forts que même les natives de Montréal ne peuvent pas les comprendre.

Aussi, il ne faut pas toute révéler à la première rencontre. Au début, on doit établir un élément de mystère. Ca crée l’illusion que je suis, en fait, une personne intéressante…

Maria said...

I wish it didn't cost, like, a million dollars to get to The SLC. Otherwise, I'd totally want to go with you. Someday...someday...

lola49 said...

just one thing,
i am the BIGGEST loser of all because
1. i am under the age of twenty, and,
2. i didn't even know there was a contest!!!!!
so if my math is correct my finall score is. . . . . . . . . .
-1000,000,000,000,000
i feel,
so bad, sorry cicada.:(