Hot Dogging

Last week, Murray, Gulliver and I went to the Hot Dog King with Steve and Cici. The reasons why we went will have to be saved for another post, but suffice it to say, we suspected The Hot Dog King of being a government front for a spy operation. Of course, when we called to find out their hours and spoke to a man with an Eastern European accent, we decided that it must be a secret KGB Provo-Orem headquarters. We simply had to go and sample the goods for ourselves. As it turns out, the experience of all getting together and doing something different was fun, but the hot dogs left something to be desired.

And the experience reminded me of my days as a hot dog vendor. That's right. I was a hot dog vendor the summer after my freshman year and had an unforgettable experience. There are so many stories to tell about that summer, and I've often considered writing a book. To sum it up briefly:

• I got to deal daily with the weirdos of downtown Timmins.
• I made friends with a Native man who would come and tell me all the back story of all the downtown Timmins weirdos, who had a can of Folgers coffee from the 1920s that he hoped to sell for a pile of money on the world wide web, and who brought me fresh, buttered bannock.
  
• A man who thought he was Jesus was a regular customer. He would tell me about his battles with Satan.
• I witnessed my boss get beat up at a bar fight (outside the bar at about 3:00 a.m.).
• My boss claimed to be connected with the Timmins "mafia." He may have been on morphine in the hospital at that time.
  
• I was subpoenaed as a witness at the trial of the guy who beat up my boss but never went because I was conveniently out of the country at that point.

It was a wild summer. Now, the last day of my being a hot dog vendor, I noticed a man from the local news company setting up his camera on my street corner and filming the doors of the bank across the street. Because it is a hot dog vendor's obligation to heckle strangers on the street, I asked this man if he was here to do his exposé on hot dog vendors and let him know that if that was his intent, he'd better do it fast because today was my last day. We laughed and he went on his way.

A couple hours later, a woman from the same news company came and set up her camera and started filming me. Then she interviewed me. So that evening, my family gathered around the television and we watched what was to be the most humiliating 60 seconds of my life. The piece was edited so that you only hear my answers and you don't hear any of the interviewer's questions. So when I gave really dumb answers, the truth was that there were some dumb questions being asked. For example, I was asked, "What is the hardest thing about being a hot dog vendor" I said "I sell hot dogs. There is nothing hard about my job. Anyone could do my job." But then the interviewer didn't say anything, so I went into panic mode and started thinking about what the hardest part of my incredibly easy job was, so I said that I had to watch the sausages so that they don't burn. And that serving customers and cooking at the same time was a challenge.

My family and I laughed at the news clip until I was just about crying. My only consolation was that I'd be leaving town at 5:00 the next morning, before anyone would ever be able to tell me that they saw me on the news the night before. And that the next time I'd be back to Timmins, everyone would have forgotten about it.

But, you know. It's been 9 years. And I already have a reputation for posting unattractive pictures of myself to my blog. So why not my interview? Please watch for very insightful comments like, "I find that people who like sauerkraut really like it but people who don't really just stay away from it." Wiser words were never spoken.

A big thanks to Murray for putting this video up on YouTube and editing out my name. And NO thanks to Murray for mimicking my facial expression when I say, "other than that," which is his favorite part of the whole video.



(Also, I'll add that during my awful comment about cheese, there is a clip of a man putting cheese on his hot dog. I must tell the truth. That man didn't want cheese on his hot dog. He loaded up his hot dog with everything that he wanted and started to walk away, but the reporter called after him and said, "Don't you want cheese on that?" because she wanted to get footage that she could show while I was making that cheese comment. So he came back and put cheese on his hot dog. Poor guy.)

(Also, Mike Doody Bob MacIntyre is the news guy and he kindof looks like a Muppet. "Mmm. Makes me hungry!")