A Urine Discussion

Here's Murray's and my discussion from this morning, transcribed as best as my memory serves:

Cicada: I should drink some more before going to the appointment. My pee sample last time was lacking. "Brooke" had way more pee. She left an ample sample.

Murray: If only her name were... [thinking really hard]... "Dample." Then it would be Dample's ample sample. It's weird that they just leave the urine out like that where people could tamper with it.

Cicada: Yeah. In other offices where I've been, there's a pee-pass-through door. Here, it's just left out on a tray in the bathroom. Like, if I didn't want them to know about something in my urine, I could just take someone else's. Like if I were on acid during my pregnancy.

Murray: Yeah. Like you could just swap it out for someone else's.

Cicada: Well, I wouldn't swap it. Because then, when they tell Brooke that she's on acid, she's going to be like, "No, I am not on acid" and they could trace it back to me.

Murray: Anyone would say that they're not on acid if they were accused of being on acid. Why would they believe her?

Cicada: Well, she could provide another urine sample. Then they'd see that she's not on acid, and they'd trace it back to me. I wouldn't swap the urine. I'd just take some of Brooke's because she has a lot.

Murray: But they could still tell that there's acid.

Cicada: How could they still tell there's acid??

Murray: If you're just diluting yours with Brooke's.

Cicada: How stupid do you think I am? I may be dropping acid while I'm pregnant, but I'm not stupid. I wouldn't pee at all. I'd just pour half of Brooke's sample into another cup and write my name on it. She certainly left enough of it to go around.

Murray: Oh.

Cicada: Of course, I don't know if it's the same technician who does all the urinalysis. Maybe if they have two identical urine samples, they'd know that something is up. How would I know these things? It's still risky.

Conversations like that are just one more reason why I love Murray so.

And I didn't pee after Brooke this morning. I peed after Tara, and despite my water drinking, she out-peed me by more than half, too. I'd say she had about three times the pee that I had. What can I say? I'm not an all-star peer.

In other news, I'm up one pound from a month ago. The doctor assures me that I'll pack it on, though. We scheduled our ultrasound for next Wednesday, and our baby's heartbeat was 148, which puts it up to the girl category, according to the old wives' tales. (My mom told me that Captain Fabuloso had a girl heart rate. I always suspected there was something funny about him...) There's pretty much nothing I can do to avoid getting heartburn (like stopping eating chocolate was ever an option!) but I can chow down on Tums when I need to and not eat before going to bed. Also, despite my fear of bending down to put on my shoes, there is no risk of me actually squishing my baby to death. Phew.


AmandaStretch said...

There was an episode of "Bones" where the players on the basketball team all had to give a sample to prove they weren't on steroids. One steroid free player covered for another who was using them. They figured it out because two urine samples had the exact same strain of the clap. And then the murder victim had the clap and then . . .

Anyway. There are worse things. :)

Tori said...

I am new to the world of pregnancy as well and I am not an 'all-star' pee-er either... infact if it was crunch time and the coach had to rely on me...my team would lose!!

Love your blog...you are hilarious!

Dust and Maddy said...

I was blog hopping and I stumbled on your post -- you must know my sister Kathleen somehow. Having been pregnant numerous times, I feel like I am a peeing expert and wanted to share my expertise with you ;D!

I usually schedule my appointments first thing in the morning and don't eat or drink until after the appointment because I want to weigh as little as possible. This doesn't bode well if I can't hold my morning pee in. So quite a few times I've had teeny tiny samples. I was apologizing to the nurse one day -- since they test our urine in the patient's room -- and she told me she prefers smaller samples. They just stick a dip strip in it to check that your levels are ok -- no acid testing -- so when there's gobs of pee, it's pretty gross to them. They prefer it not to be full to the tippy top. So even if your bladder is full -- half a cup is more than plenty!

Hopefully you know Kathleen well enough that this won't freak you out. I mean, I'm commenting on a stranger's pee entry!

Bethany said...

After 12 weeks, Zantac is lovely for the heartburn. Oh, and when I worked at the jail, there were women who would get someone else's pee, put it in a ziplock baggie and keep in in their whoo-hoo. Then, they'd wear a ring with a sharp edge and bam, when it was time to pee, it was always the right temp and clean... then again, they had to be watched the whole time. Oh, and my girl's heartbeat has always been slower than my boy's. But you're having a girl.

bedelia said...

Well the time that I had to do a pee sample with my 1 year old with me and he dove for something and pee went flying everywhere, I found out they only need a couple of drops. Too bad I found that out after a whole cupful of pee went flying everywhere.

Kristeee said...

My favorites were the chewable Rolaids, in the cherry flavor. 2 of those babies got me through just about anything . . . except the lactose intolerance I had for the first 5 months. That took Lactaid.

daltongirl said...

If you do steal someone else's pee, make sure you flush the toilet after an appropriate interval. Otherwise, they'll be on to you right away, because they listen for these things.

Jordan said...

The further along you get, the easier it will be to pee on command, even if it'd only a little. As for the heartburn, Prilosec became my best friend.

Mary said...

when i was in london, instead of a plastic cup they gave me a narrow vile to pee in that held surely no more than 1.2 fl oz. Needless to say, i ALWAYS filled it up. (and also ended up with the other 5 oz. on my hand or something gross like that that). THEN, instead of passing it through the pee door, i had to hold onto it in the waiting room until i was called for my weigh in. it was always an awkward hand off to get that vile of pee to the nurse. The plus side? I was always weighed in kilos, so i felt pretty good about things...