I bring men to their knees.

I have a date scheduled for Thursday. And all I had to do to get it was publicly humiliate a grown man.

Friday, as I have mentioned, was my ward talent show. I have already shared one exciting story, but I realize I didn't share what I did for my talent. Let me tell you.

For those who don't know, I wrote a couple poems over four years ago about being single. And desperate. They are better performed than they are read, but here's the text for those who have never witnessed the performance. Since then, I've had many requests to perform my poetry again. In fact, the whole reason that we had a ward talent show this week was that the bishop saw my performance poetry in December and demanded that a talent show be organized in January. I wasn't actually feeling very well Friday night, but I couldn't very well skip the talent show. So I went (and actually ended up feeling fine all night).

Before I continue, you may remember that I wrote something about a guy named Viper in my ward in my Phone Anxiety post (it's near the end of the very long story). Well, Viper happened to be the MC for the evening. Apparently he's actually a professional comedian. So just remember later in this story, when I am mean to Viper, that I knew he had the professional skills to handle the heat. (Unlike Mr. Lucy, who did not have the skills to handle any sort of heat.)

I got up to the stage and presented my poems:

Cicada: Thanks. Thank you. Yeah. So for those of you who saw me perform my poetry at the ward Christmas party... this is going to be different stuff. For those of you who saw me perform my poetry at [ward member]'s birthday party... this is going to be the same stuff. I'll give you a little background. By the time I had been at BYU for two and a half years, I had gone out on two dates with one guy, a year apart from each other. I figured I had to do something to improve my dating situation. They announced a talent show in my new ward, so I decided I'd do poetry. I called my mom, who is my best friend, and told her what I was planning on doing. She said, "Cicada. You KNOW if you do that, they won't date you." I said, "Mom. They don't date me anyway." She said, "You're right. Go ahead and do it." Now, four years later, my mom is concerned that I'm still doing this poetry. She's worried that I'm going to get a reputation of being a desperate, lonely girl. But I'm not. I'm a fairly confident person. So here goes.

I performed my poetry. When I was done, Viper came to take the mic from me. I started to give it to him, but had second thoughts. I took the mic and said into it, "The last time I performed this poetry, at [ward member]'s birthday party, Viper promised me he'd take me on a date. I'm still waiting."

As the crowd laughed and booed Viper, I took my seat again. Viper made his rebuttal:

Viper: What Cicada is forgetting to tell you is that I asked her out on a date four months ago. And she said no.

The crowd appropriately laughed and booed me. I got up from my seat, returned to the stage, and took the mic back:

Cicada: So one night, I was at work. [The crowd burst into laughter because they knew exactly where this was going.] I get a phone call. From Viper. Two days after I had called him for help with my comptuer. I answered the phone and told him thanks, but I already fixed my computer. He said, "That's great. Hey, I got tickets to this thing tonight. Do you want to come? In ten minutes?" I said, "I'm so sorry, Viper. I'm actually at work right now, in the middle of a meeting, and I can't leave. But I would love---I. Would. Love. to go out with you another time." That night, as soon as my meeting was over, I called my mom. She's my best friend. I said, "Mom. I got asked out on a date. By a man named Viper." My mom said, "I don't know how I feel about this man named Viper." [Again, wild laughter from the audience.] When I performed the poetry at [ward member]'s birthday party, Viper promised he would ask me out. I went home and told my brother, The Boy. The Boy loves Viper. Soon, my mom called me. She said, "I heard that Viper asked you out on a date." I said, "No. Viper said he was going to ask me out on a date." My mom said, "I don't know how I feel about this man named Viper." And I'm still waiting for him to ask me out on a date.

Viper: So... how's this Thursday?

Cicada: This Thursday would be great.

At that point, I took my seat and enjoyed the rest of the talent show. At the end of the program, when Viper was wrapping things up, he announced that there were refreshments and that they'd be served in the lobby, west of the sign-up sheet for Cicada's dates. That was funny. Stand-up comedian. I'm telling you.

I guess I'll have another update on that in about five days...