Sometimes you need a little pap talk.

My mom said I had no shame because I posted all those ugly crying pictures of myself. What's she going to think of me now...?

I just got an automated phone call from my health care provider. While I was at work. And when I determined what the phone call was about, I immediately shut my door and thanked the heavens that I have my own private office. The conversation went something like this:

Automated female recorded voice with cheery inflections: This call is to check to see if you are taking advantage of the health care benefits you are provided with. Within the past year, have you had a pap test?

Me: No.

Recorded voice: You may not be aware, but a pap test is offered in your current health care coverage. It is suggested that you have a pap test every one to three years. Will you schedule an appointment to have a pap test in the next three months?

Me: Yes. [What else am I going to say? If the recorded voice tells me I gotta do it, then I gotta do it.]

RV: Good. It is very important to your health to do this. Yadda yadda yadda cervix yadda yadda. Have you had a physical in the last twelve months?

Me: No.

RV: Your health care coverage provides for a yearly physical. A physical is important to maintaining your health, yadda yadda yadda. For more information, yadda yadda yadda. Have you seen your doctor for any health-related issue in the last three months?

Me: Yes.

RV: That is great! Did your doctor talk to you about the importance of having a pap test?

Me: No.

RV: Even though your doctor did not talk to you about a pap test, it is very important that you have one. After the tone, please explain your reason for not having a pap test. BOOOOOP!

Me: [Uncontrollable laughter, not sure what to say since I didn't expect to justify my choice to not have a pap test yet... considered saying, "Because I'm a virgin?" but then the recorded voice came back.]

RV: Thank you. We encourage you to schedule a pap test. Please call this number for more information on how to do that. Now, these next questions may not seem like they have anything to do with your health, but they do. In the past two weeks, have you felt sad?

Me: [That Murray is on another continent? Yes.] No.

RV: In the past two weeks, have you lost the desire to do things you normally like to do?

Me: No.

RV: That is very good. Again, we encourage you to have a pap test. Thank you for blah blah blah.

So yeah. Were it not for that little pap talk, I may have procrastinated The Day a little bit longer.


Squirrel Boy said...

Oh my.

And I know you seldom find word verifications funny, but right now it says "dsexwk"—desex work, perhaps? Something to consider.

christovich79 said...

is this funny because you were using a speaker-phone?

dimmi said...


I got the same automated call this weekend!

The Holyoaks said...

Just wait until you have a baby and they start asking if you have hemorrhoids.

punk rock girl said...

this is probably my third favorite post of yours.

Natalie said...

I think you might have a computerized stalker.

On a related note, I got a call from a national polling company last week. They asked for the lady of the house, and then asked if I'd be willing to take a short survey about current health issues. After they determined my age range, they asked me if I'd had a hysterectomy. Kind of a personal question. I answered, "no." They thanked me and hung up.

I don't know if they were thanking me for participating in the poll, or for having a uterus. Either way...

C. said...

So is Murray back? Are you too busy making out to blog? Huh?

Ginsberg said...

Oy vey. I'm losing faith in humanity.