I Lost Two Pounds on the Daltongirl Miracle Diet. Ask Me How.

By following these easy steps, you too can lose two pounds of pure body fat on the Daltongirl Miracle Diet.

DAY ONE
Go over to Daltongirl's house. Eat her food and touch her baby chickens.

DAY TWO
Fast for 24 hours. Or, you know, 20 if you're a wuss.

By midday you should receive an email from Daltongirl to ask if you're puking like she is. If you're not, that's okay. The diet is not working yet.

Break your fast by eating three large pieces of El Senor's cardamom bundt cake, made with sour cream that expired two months ago.

DAY THREE
Go about your daily routine. Notice the queasy feeling in your stomach. This is the diet starting to work.

Take the edge off the queasiness by eating a large, spicy salad. If that doesn't work, top it off with several cinnamon gummy bears.

Return home; you may even choose to leave work or your regular routine an hour early. Once home, if you choose a shot of Pepto Bismol instead of the last piece of El Senor's cardamom bundt cake, the diet is working.

Nap for three hours.

If you still don't want that piece of cardamom bundt cake, you're on the right track.

Watch an hour of television.

Go to the bathroom.

Vomit. Repeat three times.

DAY FOUR
Writhe and moan in your bed. Eat nothing.

DAY FIVE
Weigh yourself. You should have lost at least two pounds.




This diet is also doctor-certified. Or almost-doctor certified. Because it was certified by Rogers Rice, almost-PhD. Please review her findings in an exclusive google talk interview:

Dr. Rice: So tell me about this miracle diet.

Cicada: It's GREAT. I ate at my friend Daltongirl's house on Saturday. And then she called on Sunday to see if I was puking b/c she was puking all night. I wasn't. But I puked MONDAY night. So I think instead of food poisoning me, she just gave me some bug.

Dr. Rice: Awesome. Puking will help you melt off the pounds for sure.

Cicada: But hey---it got rid of those two pesky pounds I've really been wanting to get rid of.

Dr. Rice: Sadly, its just water weight.

Cicada: No. No it's not. It's fat. Pure fat. I'm sure of it.

Dr. Rice: I believe, Cicada.

Cicada: Don't burst my two-pound bubble, Dr. Rice.

Dr. Rice: You puked up your own fat.

Cicada: If throwing up weren't a key to weight loss, bulimics wouldn't have such success.

Dr. Rice: I can't argue with that logic Cicada.

Cicada: And YOU're the one who's getting a PhD. Ha. Just call me Dr. Cicada.

Dr. Rice: Done and done

9 comments:

Nemesis said...

Wow. Now I'm seriously counting my blessings. I'm stunned I didn't pick up the bug, what with my then-compromised immune system and everything.

But yay for those two pounds! Am now very glad that we didn't decide to overdo it while being gay for Daltongirl.

AzĂșcar said...

I love this diet! One of my favorites. I lost 7 pounds once on that diet--it really works!

Squirrel Boy said...

This is the awesomest blog entry I've read in a while. I just thought you should know that.

Natalie said...

Dr. Cicada, I loved the interview with Dr. Rice. Very informative.

Hope you're feeling better. And, I guess this proves that it was a virus and not the eating of really old cheese that made DG sick. My theories are not nearly as good as yours.

Limon said...

That's really gross. Thank you. I have lost 10 pounds in the last four weeks on this diet: western family grapenuts for breakfast (which I actually kind of enjoy now), oats, peanut butter and yogurt mixed together for lunch, and then a sensible dinner, like pasta or more likely a tuna sandwich or refried beans.

Combined with riding a stationary bike, it's really working. Now I am only 15% overweight according to that very accurate BMI.

It's way better than the Tucano's diet, on which I gained eight pounds in one day, no lie. I love meat, and especially meat wrapped in other, fattier meat.

natali said...

i recommend a breakup if you are looking to lose a couple of pounds. actually its sort of a hassle finding someone you really like, dating them for a couple of months and then having to break up. southbeach might be easier.

Nemesis said...

Natali, I wish I could lose weight after a breakup. But no matter what happens to me my natural reaction is to dip fattening foods in peanut butter and eat them.

lola49 said...

My diet works diferently, I puke, sleep, puke, sleep,(repeat as nessisary.) I lost I don't know how may pounds. But I gained them all back. . . soooo, yeah.

lola49 said...

not a very sucessfull diet.