By following these easy steps, you too can lose two pounds of pure body fat on the Daltongirl Miracle Diet.
Go over to Daltongirl's house. Eat her food and touch her baby chickens.
Fast for 24 hours. Or, you know, 20 if you're a wuss.
By midday you should receive an email from Daltongirl to ask if you're puking like she is. If you're not, that's okay. The diet is not working yet.
Break your fast by eating three large pieces of El Senor's cardamom bundt cake, made with sour cream that expired two months ago.
Go about your daily routine. Notice the queasy feeling in your stomach. This is the diet starting to work.
Take the edge off the queasiness by eating a large, spicy salad. If that doesn't work, top it off with several cinnamon gummy bears.
Return home; you may even choose to leave work or your regular routine an hour early. Once home, if you choose a shot of Pepto Bismol instead of the last piece of El Senor's cardamom bundt cake, the diet is working.
Nap for three hours.
If you still don't want that piece of cardamom bundt cake, you're on the right track.
Watch an hour of television.
Go to the bathroom.
Vomit. Repeat three times.
Writhe and moan in your bed. Eat nothing.
Weigh yourself. You should have lost at least two pounds.
This diet is also doctor-certified. Or almost-doctor certified. Because it was certified by Rogers Rice, almost-PhD. Please review her findings in an exclusive google talk interview:
Dr. Rice: So tell me about this miracle diet.
Cicada: It's GREAT. I ate at my friend Daltongirl's house on Saturday. And then she called on Sunday to see if I was puking b/c she was puking all night. I wasn't. But I puked MONDAY night. So I think instead of food poisoning me, she just gave me some bug.
Dr. Rice: Awesome. Puking will help you melt off the pounds for sure.
Cicada: But hey---it got rid of those two pesky pounds I've really been wanting to get rid of.
Dr. Rice: Sadly, its just water weight.
Cicada: No. No it's not. It's fat. Pure fat. I'm sure of it.
Dr. Rice: I believe, Cicada.
Cicada: Don't burst my two-pound bubble, Dr. Rice.
Dr. Rice: You puked up your own fat.
Cicada: If throwing up weren't a key to weight loss, bulimics wouldn't have such success.
Dr. Rice: I can't argue with that logic Cicada.
Cicada: And YOU're the one who's getting a PhD. Ha. Just call me Dr. Cicada.
Dr. Rice: Done and done