This and That

I haven't updated in so long and I've had a lot to say, so I'll see how I can do at giving you a life update as concisely as possible.

1. I booked a gaycation with Switchback. Of course, neither of us is gay, but it just turned into what we called our gaycation. She called me one night with news that I could get a round-trip ticket to San Diego for $60. Since Switchback is always worth at least $60, I went online to book my trip, only to discover that the fare was non-existent. One thing led to another and before we knew it, we were both purchasing tickets to Maryland for the end of March while she's on Spring Break. We plan on staying with my parents and doing DC and Baltimore. When I didn't blog about this, she wrote me the following email:

so I couldn't help but notice that you havent put up our plans for a gaycation on the blog. Are you afraid to admit to everyone who you are and what our relationship is really? Because if you can't, I serious think we should reconsider me meeting your parents.

2. This leads me into my next story. I was google chatting with Saule Cogneur the other day. My google chat tagline at the time read, "I'm going on gaycation." He asked me how I was doing and pointed out that I seemed busy lately. I mentioned that I've been busy at work and that I've recently started dating someone. Several minutes later, I realized that my tagline read, "I'm going on gaycation" and I told him that I had recently started dating someone, so I felt a strong need to clarify to him that I am dating a MAN.

3. This leads me into my next story. I'm dating a MAN. No seriously. He's ten years older than me. He's suggested we round it down to nine, but I pointed out that it's almost exactly nine and three-quarters years, so it really makes more sense to round up to ten. Since you're all dying to know everything there is to know about him, I'll give you only the most relevant details:
  • He has only missed flossing three times in the last decade (like, since when he was my age). He was traveling all three times.
  • He thinks that Banana Republic is "low-end" and "cheap."
  • His Republicanism has already made me angry enough to have caused me to excuse myself from dinner and go to the bathroom to sing repeatedly the first line of Mary Cox and the Pop Rocks' song "All I Care about Is You," which goes, "I don't care if you're Republican; I don't care 'cause that's not quite the worst sin..." I tried unsuccessfully to convince myself that it was true.
  • One of his hobbies is photography, and I haven't admitted to him yet that I kindof want to make him go to Antelope Island with me to show me how to take good pictures of birds, because I'm afraid that he'll think I'm cooky. I admit it. It's cooky, which is a word I never use but is entirely applicable in this case. (Luckily, since I am grounded in reality, I'm sure that he'll tell me that he doesn't have the right lens for taking pictures of birds on Antelope Island.)
4. Which doesn't lead me into my next point, which is that Rice had the most amazing encounter with a squirrel in her house recently. You'll remember that Rice and I went turtle fishing years ago with a stick, string, and a hot dog and didn't catch anything, so we changed our plans immediately to squirrel fishing and hilarity ensued. Allow me to present you with this exclusive google chat interview with Rice:

CICADA: Oh! Wait! Oh my gosh!

RICE: What!

CICADA: I almost forgot!

RICE: OMG! [That’s her making fun of me.] WHAT!

CICADA: El Senor told me the story about the SQUIRREL in your HOUSE and you were SCREAMING and you didn't know what to do!!! Rogers Rice! Of ALL people, I thought you would know BEST what to do with a squirrel. Didn't you have hot dogs and a pole and a string???!

RICE: Oh Cicada. That was Hilarious. And squirrels in homes are much scarier than those in the wild. It started charging me while I was talking to El Senor. No hot dog was going to quell his want of my blood. I fear that I've made an enemy. He now sits on my porch and watches me.

CICADA: How did you get him out?

RICE: It was so awesome. We set up an elaborate obstacle course for him, so he had to charge at me. But I was waiting, holding a broom, at which point I was able to hockey puck out the open door, and he ran up a tree in front of my house. And now he stalks me.

CICADA: Wait... so he really was after YOU the whole time??

RICE: That's what I'm saying. He even peed on my bed

CICADA: I bet it's squirrel revenge. Oh, Rice!

RICE: We made some powerful enemies, Cicada. The hot dog on the stick... Biggest mistake of my life

CICADA: I'm going to have to watch my back from now on. And my bed.

RICE: Word. They'll get you

Which doesn't lead me to any more points. I'll try to be better at updating, promise.


C. said...

Well, Ben and I met because he made me so mad with his Scottish nationalism that we argued for 2 hours straight at our first meeting... and then argued for weeks after that about who had won that argument.

punk rock girl said...

i mean banana republic might be unoriginal and overpriced but low end seems harsh. they triple stitch their shit and everything.

Squirrel Boy said...

Be careful about angering squirrels.

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
C. said...

Yeah, for some reason I thought you wrote pornography, too. Glad it was a mistake on my part.

daltongirl said...

I'm glad you don't use the word "cooky" very often, because I can't figure out whether you're trying to say "kooky," or "cookie."

Also, that squirrel sounds rabid. I'm not kidding--I think the Health Department should be contacted immediately. Small wild animals who charge people are frequently deranged due to rabies. I heard about it on the "This American Life" Halloween special and even though it was sort of funny, it kind of traumatized me. Ira Glass totally freaked out and said that he will never be the same after doing that story.

Melyngoch said...

I suppose Republicans need love too. And since I'm not giving them any, it's good you're stepping up.

Mary said...

Thank goodness! Where have you bean?! Oh, wait I know. Smooching with the geyser. That's why you haven't been blogging.

My sister was once in the middle of leaving me a voice message, and while doing so she happened to be standing in front of her door grabbing the mail. In the background, I hear this high-pitched screeching. Finally, my sister stops talking...pauses...then asks me "do you hear that? that's a squirrel. the squirrel is staring me down. the squirrel is gawking at me." More screeching. It gets louder and more frantic, and then I hear my sister drop the mail and run upstairs into her house, all the while speaking gibberish into the phone at me about a rabid squirrel.

I kept that voice message for a whole year and played it to all my friends. That squirrel voice message got me through tough nights and long days. I loved that message.

metamorphose said...

Congrats on finding yourself a flossing Republican.

Funny how you spell "cooky" it reads as either "cookie" or "cocky" in my mind. I spell it "kooky." Maybe "cooky" is Canadian?

Haha. I just saw Daltongirl's comment about "cooky."

(This really blows my cover, proving that I didn't bother to read all of the comments before mine...but I'm sure you'll forgive me.)

AzĂșcar said...

Even Republicans deserve our compassion and maybe our dates.

I ended up marrying not a Republican, but a Apathist (new word!) I knew I should have been more specific when I prayed for "Not a Republican." I don't know what's worse, someone with political views that challenge yours or someone that refuses to have any political views whatsoever.

Oh, Mary Cox. This has inspired a blog post to come tomorrow.