Flower Policy

In honor of February 14th, allow me to share with you my Flower Policy. It might be slightly harsher than my Bridal Shower Policy, but believe me, it's based on sound logic. You'll see. It is inspired by Nemesis's post today, especially the part where she buys flowers for herself and plans on delivering half to her sister. Nemesis's actions are in line with my Flower Policy. Without further ado...


1. Women should never* have flowers delivered to other women. Although it normally takes a woman one second to grab the card and look at the sender's name, that one second is enough time for at least one dozen male names to cycle through the woman's brain (men who she hopes it might be, men who she hopes it's not). Invariably, seeing a woman's name on the "From" line will cause disappointment. Boiled down? Women sending flowers to other women causes disappointment. And it's not always just a let down after one second of anticipation. Once, for me, it was several agonizing hours. I had recently had a fight with a love-interest. I went home to find that a flower-delivery attempt had been made while I was away. The note indicated that my neighbors had signed for the flowers. But my neighbors weren't home. I waited four agonizing hours, wondering blissfully that perhaps the flowers were from an apologetic love-interest. Instead, when my neighbors got home, I found out that the flowers were from my roommate. Who knew I had had a fight with my love-interest. Who felt bad and thought that sending me flowers would make it better. Who could have just as easily (and less expensively) bought the flowers herself and gave them to me herself, or left them on the kitchen table for me herself. I'm just saying.

*There are exceptions of course. This past December, I missed a flower delivery and had to go pick the flowers up at the shop. I told El Senor that the flowers were either Love Flowers, Friend Flowers, or Death Flowers, and that since I had just returned from my grandma's funeral, I was safely assuming that they were Death Flowers. When I picked them up, I found out that Daltongirl, Nemesis, and Sakhmet had sent them to me. There was no disappointment because A) there was no expectation that they were love flowers, and B) none of those women live in my same city, so it's not as if they could have delivered them in person.

2. No one should ever give flowers anonymously. The anonymous giving of flowers is a cruelty that should have been prohibited in the Geneva Conventions. The anonymous giving of flowers doesn't work out well for the receiver or the sender. I believe that very seldomly does the receiver's hope of who the sender is actually match up with who the sender is. Women anonymously giving flowers to women is the worst. The recipient will be deluded into thinking that some man has romantic interest in her. The let-down will be soul-mangling to say the least. Men anonymously giving flowers to women is only slightly better. But when the recipient finds out that the sender was actually the weird social outcast instead of the handsome French speaker, and that the weird social outcast was actually harboring a secret undying love for the recipient, the recipient will be both crushed and very, very afraid. And then the recipient will hate that kind of flower for the rest of her pathetic, lonely existence. (And so what if I'm speaking from personal experience? Don't ever try to send me yellow roses because I don't care what the crap you say about yellow meaning "friendship"---I know that it means much, much more, you crazy social outcast!)



So that's basically it for my Flower Policy. If you're a woman, deliver the flowers by hand so that there's no moment of hope to cause inevitable let-down. If you're a man or a woman, sign your name to those flowers on penalty of death.