Un-merry'd Christmas

Today was our work party and I performed the following poems. Those of you who have heard my bitter single poetry before can probably imagine a little better how these would be performed, but those of you who haven't seen my performances can still use your imaginations.


Snowflakes! Fall! From the Sky!
A Million-Billion

i am

The snowflakes fall
like acid drops of loneliness
on my

Now wretched.

Un-merry’d Christmas

Dearest Santa, hear me wishin’:
I’ve been single since my mission.
I’m not mad, I’m not irate.
I simply wish to get a date.

I wish one man at BYU
would only want to date me, too.
But if no zoobie chooses me,
I’ll settle for UVSC.
(But please, no one from U of U—
We desperate girls have standards, too.)

Among the things that I’ve been missing
are cuddling, snuggling, hugs and kissing.
And no amount of mistletoe
has made a man kiss me. Although
not for lack of trying—see?
How can I make a man kiss me?

I want to follow Elder Oaks,
and keep my pantry locked so blokes
can’t eat my food and give me naught.
I try to do what I am taught.
But if I can’t give food for free,
How can I make a man kiss me?

I’ll wear red lipstick all this season!
To make men kiss me is the reason!
I’ll wear short skirts! (up to the knees)
And then I’ll flirt and laugh and tease!
The air will ring with tee-hee-hee’s
that say “come here and kiss me, please.”

I’ll tell men that I take ballet
(They won’t know it’s a lie, will they?
’Cause all girls know that guys like dancers.
Don’t ask my why—I have no answers.
Will they forgive a girl for lying?
After all, I’m only trying . . .)
to make them love me, kiss me, too!
And ain’t that worth a lie or two?

I never have played hard-to-get,
I simply haven’t tried it yet!
So maybe if I now pretend
I don’t like kisses, it will send
the message, “Kiss me! Kiss me quick!”
Perhaps deception is the trick!

I’ll wear pink sweaters all this year!
For pink attracts the men, I hear!
Then hordes of suitors will appear!
And one, perhaps, will hold me dear,
And love me with a love sincere . . .
And then, his lips to mine adhere.

Oh, dearest Santa, comprehend!
This year, I want a nice boyfriend!
A man who’ll love me for myself.
If not—could you send me an elf?

During the second poem, I suspended mistletoe over my head with a fishing rod. It was pretty good, but all the mistletoe was trashed before I ever made it home, so I might have to buy more before tonight's performance at my ward party.


photogenic said...

I am very impressed with your poetic abilities and think that you should post more single-person poems. Just for the record, dance has never gotten me any facetime.

Desmama said...

I have to say that I am truly impressed. Seriously, these poems were really clever. And how does one get this gift again?

Nemesis said...

In the words of my sweet mom, "Have I told you today how much I love you?"

And I'm so glad that my mom and I got a subliminal mention! Yay for pink!

I wish I'd seen you performed them, though. Sniff . . .

marriedin said...

This poetry came highly recommended from MamaC. I agree, it was hilarious. You need to start charging for this stuff. There has to be a market for bitter at BYU poetry. I mean just the fact that you're at BYU.

Squirrel Boy said...

Those were truly awesome (as your poetry always is, Cicada). And I'm sure they were ten times better in person.

Tolkien Boy said...

How I love your poetry.
It seems very good to me.
How I wish that I could see
you reading your poetry.

Such a lark it would have been!
So pleasurable, it may be sin.
I have a little guilty grin
to think on how it might have been

if I had been there in the crowd
to hear you cry, now soft, now loud
your poetry with tibre proud
before a hushed and reverent crowd.

Stupidramblings said...

I was fortunate to be on hamd to witness said poems first-hand and they were glorious. Although, at first the crowd was laughing--as they should have done--to the Un-MARRIED Christmas. Then, near the middle they ceased to laugh as much. Then they picked up the laughter again at the end.

I didn't understand that dynamic, nor do I understand why Cicada was not asked out right there on the spot by one of the eligible bachelors on hand. I, being married, did not feel the compulsion, but those poems should have generated compulsion. Because--well--Cicada was a Jedi that day...

Th. said...


Fact: Cicada is a Jedi.

Fact: Most unmarried men are not of strong mind.

Question: What is going on here?

JB said...


Mary said...

I read your poems to my roommate, and we think you should be our queen. Our Jedi Queen.

Cicada said...

SR--Thank you for noticing that, too! I was so confused! I mean, I was up there, I had to pause a few times at the beginning to wait for the laughter to subside before moving on... and then... it subsided. Permanently. Believe me, it's unnerving to have to be performing it and think mid-performance, "Waitaminute... this part ISN'T funny?" I'll have to do a little more live audience analysis, though, before I figure out what, if anything, I'm going to have to change.