Not Quite Dwight


Yesterday I promised El Senor's coworker that I would post a picture of him with Dwight Schrutte glasses. You see, apparently El Senor has told his coworkers about my blog and tells me that I have a silent following over there. So, to reward my silent voyeurs, I present to you the childhood of Cicada and El Senor.

You see, it's funny that the two of us have ended up living together after all these years and all that's happened between us. We never liked each other growing up. He was by far my most trying brother. When he was seventeen, I once ran outside to cry about what a horrible person he was, and my mother came to comfort me, letting me know that he probably would never treat me nicely until after his mission.

We had a bad history. When I was nine, he'd put Weight Watchers and Shape magazines on my bed and tell me to use them. When I was eight, he'd comment on my disgusting unshaven legs, or he would tell me to "suck it in" when we went to the beach and my little tummy was showing. I once walked into a room and he looked at me and said, "Holy crap, you're ugly."

I was nasty to him in return. I would deliberately provoke him. My mother saw me provoking him one day and watched the ordeal. I annoyed him to the point that he finally hit me. He got in trouble and was sent to his room. My mother came to talk to me and said, "You knew that he would hit you if you kept doing what you were doing. Why did you do it?" I replied, "I like seeing [El Senor] get in trouble."

Fortunately for us, we both grew out of it. One day things simply changed---and it was even before he left on his mission. I'm not exactly sure what did it, but things have never been as bad as they were. Sure we have our moments, like when El Senor comes into the living room at 3:00 a.m., claiming that my silent typing is keeping him awake. Or like when I get in trouble for leaving a bowl in the sink overnight, but he never gets in trouble for leaving a cereal bowl beside the couch all night. Or like when he gets mad that I drink from a new glass every time I get a drink. Or like when I call to tell him that I went out of my way to buy him a Costa Vida burrito and he complains that it will be cold by the time he gets home and it'll be no good reheated. But seriously, things are better. Like now, instead of ordering me to read Shape and Weight Watchers magazines, he politely encourages me to read Shape ("You know, you can get a subscription to Shape for only $6 at discountmagazines.com...") and encourages me to participate honestly in Weight Watchers ("Don't worry, Cicada. I'll eat all that pumpkin pie you made. You don't have to even have a bite!").

And fortunately for us, we also grew out of what we used to look like back then. But mostly, I blame our parents for that. I present to you some pictures of El Senor with Dwight Schrutte glasses.


(Consider this last one my special bonus to you. Notice that Captain Fabuloso has a nice manly pair of hockey skates, but El Senor is wearing a cream colored coat, a dainty scarf, and figure skates.)

19 comments:

Cicada said...

Just so that you all know, El Senor says, "You tell those stories like people appreciate the humor in it, but they don't. They just think I'm a jerk."

It's so true that he was a jerk, though. So true. But so was I. And obviously now the fact that we choose to live together demonstrates that we're over it.

And I'm still more of a jerk than he is, because I'm the one posting his pictures and the stories of his jerky childhood to the Internet.

But seriously, when you read this, don't judge El Senor as a jerky sort of person because these stories make me laugh so hard now, and they should make you laugh, too. If I can have a sense of humor about myself, you can have a sense of humor about myself, too.

sarahbellum said...

Now I am faced with the moral dilemma of should I or shouldn't I forward this to ALL his co-workers...

and the answer is: I SHOULD!

metamorphose said...

This was a great post. Those pics are priceless! But I'm weirded by the fact that those pics of your brother in high school look too much like pics of my boyfriend in high school. Weird.

Glad you both made it through and are friends now.

AzĂșcar said...

What? No one with siblings would think he was a jerk. He was normal.



Mean, but normal.

christovich79 said...

There's just something about a Schrute man. When Dwight does his "sneaky" eyes simultaneously with his evil, sideways-duck smile... it just does something to me. man-crush

Squirrel Boy said...

I'm going to have to agree with Azucar: many, many siblings are jerks to each other when they're kids. Also, I've met El Senor a few times, and he never seemed like a jerk to me.

Nemesis said...

Like I said to you earlier, it's such a good thing that we get to go to college where people don't remember what we used to look like. I mean, really.

Anonymous said...

The last photo I find very incriminating. For the last ten years El Senor has bragged to me that in his entire life he has never worn a pair of figure skates. Hockey only. --Viktor and wife: Patience

Anonymous said...

As an expert in skates and all things skating, I can attest that the aforementioned/above-pictured "figure skates" are not figure skates at all, but are merely white skates commonly sold in the early '80s in children's sizes. If you look closely, you'll notice that the skates lack the requisite toe-pick necessary for performing figure skating maneuvers, rendering them completely useless for the performance of any sort of icy acrobatics. I'm positive the young, handsome lad pictured never participated in any figure skating activities and has since grown up to be a mature and manly member of society.

Rachel said...

If anybody left a Shape magazine or WW pamphlet on my bed, (s)he wouldn't live to see another day.

AzĂșcar said...

Also, just to be fair to El Senor...

Love the matching dresses, Cicada. I think we had couches with the same pattern or perhaps balloon window treatments.

eleka nahmen said...

Even though I don't know the fellow myself, that last photo made me giggle much. Figure skates...priceless.

Lane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
spartacus said...

Ah yes, sibling rivalry. One of our favourite moments to recount to family/friends/visitors/random people we meet is the legendary battle between myself and my younger sister over whose turn it was to turn off the lights before we went upstairs, and how you cleverly solved it by storming downstairs and turning it off yourself, Cicada. Do you remember this?

Brilliant post.

- spart

provoce said...

Hilarious! I love those pics of el Senor. And, I can't tell you how glad I am to have been (finally) introduced to this wonderful blog. Little did I know that only a few short days ago, my life was so empty and meaningless.

B-RAD said...

I'm glad you put the last comment because I thought that was you in the figure skates and cream hat

B-RAD said...

Wow you get a lot of comments. I need you to leave a comment on my blog sometime. With your internet popularity I could increase my readers. Everyone would be like, wow Cicada is reading it, why aren't I? Maybe just maybe I might even break into the 3 readers range.

fromSeattle said...

All good Canadians know white skates are for girls, toe pick or not.

If I wore glasses like that I would also try to feel better about myself by puting down others.

accident at work said...

aw look at the little ice skates. shouldnt those children have helmets on though?! wouldnt want them falling over and having a nasty head injury now would we