My Boyfriends

It has come to my attention recently that I have a number of dysfunctional boyfriends. They are, of course, my TV boyfriends, but still their dysfunction disturbs me. Why can't I love a normal man? Let's examine together my TV boyfriends.

4. Gregory House

I wrote about this last year. While it's still true that Gregory House is one of my TV boyfriends, he has been demoted to the least of my TV boyfriends (which isn't bad seeing as how none of the men from Lost have even qualified as a TV boyfriend). Let's review his qualities.

Why I Shouldn't Love Him:
He is mean, misogynistic, self-centered, emotionally unbalanced, and addicted to pain killers.

Why I Love Him Anyway:
He is good looking. (But you didn't see me falling all over myself for Wooster, now did you?) He is brilliant and hilarious and gifted and dreamy.

3. Gob Bluth

Here is my secret confession, which I have only ever confessed to Redras and which I am now announcing to the Internet. I heart Gob Bluth. For those of you who don't know who he is, you have no idea how sorry I am for you. For those of you who do know who he is, I can explain! I can explain! My attraction to Gob Bluth is purely hormonal, but when those hormones rage, so does my attraction to Gob. Redras understands.

Why I Shouldn't Love Him:
For goodness sakes, he's Gob Bluth. He's moronical, unethical, and selfish. He's a magician and he sucks. He treats women and his family poorly.

Why I Love Him Anyway:
Hormones. Only hormones.

2. Jack Bauer

How can a girl not love Jack Bauer? Even straight men cannot deny their crushes on him. He is absolutely irresistible and indestructible. It's a killer combination.

Why I Shouldn't Love Him:
The man manages to kill anywhere between seventeen and one hundred and two individuals per day.* He stops at absolutely nothing to get the truth. He cannot manage any relationship (by the way, Audrey isn't in the previews for season 6 and the actress who plays her is now starring in another television show, so either Audrey gets killed or decides to no longer be with Jack). People whom Jack loves die (highlight the following space for a list of names, not in any order: Teri Bauer, Nina Myers, David Palmer, Tony Almeida, Richard Walsh, George Mason, Michelle Dessler, Ryan Chappelle, Gael Ortega, Edgar Stiles). He behaves rashly and breaks rules all the time. He doesn't follow correct government protocol. I hate to think that Jack Bauers exist in the real world.

Why I Love Him Anyway:
He's so hot when he's got his gun pointed at someone else's head and yells "WHERE'S THE BOMB" and blasts off knee caps. He's vulnerable when no one but the camera is watching.

1. Danny Taylor

Danny Taylor is my full-time TV boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to admit that my DVR allows me to watch all ten hours of Without a Trace that air every week. He is not as troubled as the men previously listed, and he's also not a boyfriend that I have in common with many women, which is nice not to have to share. But I realize that although I love him dearly and almost desperately, I still wouldn't love him in the real world. Why?

Why I Shouldn't Love Him:
He is an FBI agent and he kills people fairly regularly. It's got to be tough leaving that baggage at the office. I shouldn't hold this against him, but he's an alcoholic who's been sober for years. Like I said, I shouldn't hold it against him but I can't help but judge. He's too smooth with the ladies. I catch him making eyes at women all the time. He's a cocky sonofagun with a really bad temper. We can blame the temper on his Latin American blood (he's Cuban). No, really, sometimes he's just too cocky. He blames himself for his parents' deaths (again, baggage).

Why I Love Him Anyway:
He is so dreamy. And he's strong and he would protect me. And he's smart and he comes from a rough background but he pulled himself out of it. And he is pretty much the best dresser I have ever seen. How many suits can a guy afford on an FBI agent's budget? Because the man has many, many different suits. And different coats. But I caught him wearing boots with---I hesitate to say---heels on them. He doesn't need to be any taller, but does any man who is straight and not a cable installer have heels on his boots?

So there are my TV boyfriends. Recently, I told Rachel about my number one boyfriend, even Danny Taylor. Before I told her who my boyfriend was, she said, "It better not be Jim Halpert because he's mine." When I told Redras about my TV boyfriend, she remembered my feelings for Gob but knew from the context that it couldn't possibly be Gob. She asked who it was, telling me that her TV boyfriend was Jim Halpert. Not that I want to steal anybody's boyfriend, but...

I simply must add... Jim Halpert

Jim Halpert is the only stable, non-violent man on television right now, from what I gather. Of course he's every girl's TV boyfriend! Of course he's what every girl is looking for!

Why I Love Him:
He is down-to-earth. He's hilarious. He's normal. He's sweet. He's perfect.

So as much as I love my Gregs, Gobs, Jacks, and Dannys, I need to find a Jim. I need to find a man who is stable and funny and doesn't kill people. In the meantime, I'll continue my turbulent love affair with Special Agent Danny Taylor and just borrow Jim every Thursday night.

*These are not precise statistics.


jinxidoru said...

How could you?! You've committed the unpardonable. You've claimed that there is something superior about the American Office compared to the British. How could you choose Jim over Tim? I would never degrade myself to the point of choosing Pam over Dawn. Not for a minute. That's because I have integrity. Unbelievable!

stupidramblings said...

Good to see you're blogging again. I was starting to wonder if your laptop self destructed in...

Rest assured that if I came out with a list like this one--only with TV women instead of men--I would only be in trouble with my wife Limpy.

Having said that, one of my favorite characters on TV is Marge Simpson.

Why I shouldn't love her: She's two-dimensional, potentially OCD, and she already has a man like me.

Why I love her anyway: The beehive...

Cicada said...

Jinxidoru: I'm sorry! But, uh, I have a question. Have you actually taken time to watch the American version? I could write a whole post about the differences. And in fact, I just started to write about it now, and I ended up writing a whole bunch of stuff. I'll save it for the next post.

Stupidramblings: I'll write my next post later today and get back on the blogging wagon, I promise.

Jenny said...

Cicada, you have lifted a great burden from me. I have been carrying around a secret crush on Gob for years, but haven't been too ashamed to admit it. Thank you for freeing me.

PS I think its his voice that does it for me

Squirrel Boy said...

I can't believe you called Gob a magician. He's an illusionist, okay?

Cicada said...

Jenny, it is the voice! It is!

SB: Sorry. You're right. He's an illusionist.

jinxidoru said...

Yes, I have actually watched the American Office. When I visited the Quinns, we stayed up really late watching episodes of the Office. It was good, but I just could never shake the fact that the British one was so much better. It's hard for me not to compare. The American Office feels like an American sitcom: lots of laugh, no heart. The acting is so much superior in the British show. Need I remind you: Keith? :)

Sometimes it's hard to not see somethings as nothing more than knock-offs. I know a couple people who had a real tough time enjoying the Family Guy because it seemed like a copy of the Simpsons.

To counter my argument though, it could simply be that I watched the British one first.

Whatever it is, I accept the American Office as being a good show. It's no Arrested Development, but what is? It will never be greater than the British though. Especially once it has been run into the ground after five seasons.

Master Fob said...

I hate to tell you this, but there is a Jack Bauer in my program. Really.

sarahbellum said...

i'm more a dwight schrute kinda girl.

Cicada said...

Sarahbellum: If you look closely enough, I'm sure that you can find some Dwight Schrute qualities in El Senor. Well, not really, but El Senor wore some sweet Dwight Schrute glasses back in the day...

Melyngoch said...

Jack Hodgins. Brilliant, nerdy but socially competent, amazing eyes, and lots of utter devotion potential.

Redras said...

Jinxidoru: Don't get your knickers in a knot. Saying you like Jim Halpert is NOT the same as saying the American version is better than the British version. I've watched the British version (ok, only the first season, but I've watched it) and once I got over how awkward it made me feel, I thought it was hilarious. Ricky Gervais especially. And his sidekick guy. They are definitely funnier than Michael & Dwight (and Michael & Dwight are pretty funny. I especially like how Dwight says his own name: dwighTTT schruTTTe, with really crisp T's). And the BBC version doesn't spoonfeed the audience jokes as much as I think the American one does. But all of that is beside the point. The point is that if you put Jim next to Tim, Jim would be taller, making him more attractive and, therefore, a better TV boyfriend.

Cicada: I'm torn. Should Gob's silky flowy clothing be added to the "reasons not to like Gob" or "the reasons to like Gob" list? They're atrocious. On any other man, they'd be a definite minus. But with Gob, it's different. When he's riding his segway with his pants flowing behind him, it's really hot. The husky voice doesn't hurt either.

Arwen said...

I just discovered something terrible:

Hugh Laurie is only hot with an American accent.

I'm so confused.

AzĂșcar said...

Who is this Hermano guy?

I can love both Office shows on their own merits--that's how cool I am.

arwen- I'm going to have to disagree completely with you. The American accent gives me the heebies; the Brit, smooth all over.

Kelly said...

I heart Michael Bluth, you can have Gob. Although I really have to work on Michael's whole co-dependency issues with his family.

sarahbellum said...

you MUST follow through on this el senor claim with pictures. seriously.

Cicada said...

Sarahbellum, you have my word. I'll try to post one tonight.

sarahbellum said...

before and after. i see it now!

Th. said...


My favorite thing on tv right now is when Jim looks at the camera.

What a funny guy he is.

Rachel said...

Jim's mine, Cicada! We're in love! You keep away from him! **Barely restrains from strangling the nearest person with bare hands**

Ginsberg said...

I heart Gob Bluth too. And I'm a straight man. (I'm pretty sure that it's got NOTHING to do with hormones for me.)

A Risky Question: If I were to make a list of my pop culture girlfriends (not sure of the order or who would and wouldn't make the cut, but Princess Leia, Debbie Harry, Trillion from Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Joni Mitchell, Gwenyth Paltrow in Proof and Gloria (played by Courtney Cox)from Mistfits of Science, a show that only lasted one season--1985, would all probably be on the list) would I be viewed as somewhat of an objectifier and misogynist? Just curious.

kellyroxanne said...

hmm, definitely agree that jim is perfect. i need one of those.