Dead Serious

Just because someone has passed away doesn't mean that we have to be morose all the time. I'd like to share a few of the funeral week humor highlights.

Word Choice

  • When DP found out that I was in Canada, he wrote me an email asking, "What brings you up to Canada in the dead of winter?" Perhaps he could have chosen better wording...
  • When I was doing the funeral program, I asked my aunt what the deadline was. Again, there may have been a better way to phrase that...
  • I did the program quickly and didn't have much of a chance to proof it. It was perfect except that my uncle was giving the euology, not the eulogy. This led to much discussion on exactly what a euology is, and what a euologist might do. We finally concluded that because most of the eulogy was in the first person (my uncle read exerpts from my grandma's personal history), a euology must be a first-person eulogy.

Phone Faux-Pas

  • Although I didn't listen to my voice mail while I was in Canada, once I got home I listened to the messages that had accumulated while I was away. I received a message from Rice saying, "Cicada. I'm calling to tell you that you have been very lazy about your blog. I went online today expecting to be entertained, but only saw your old post about Dwight that I had already read. You need to be better about updating your blog. What could possibly be keeping you from maintaining it? Get back on the ball." Apparently immediately after calling me and leaving that message, she called El Senor and found out that I was in Canada for our grandma's funeral. Rice began to worry that maybe I'd be offended... Well, I was, Rice. Deeply hurt and offended. We're not talking anymore.
  • As we were making funeral preparations, my mom called a ward member to ask if she could play the organ. Her five-year-old daughter answered the phone and before passing the phone to her mother, dutifully asked who was speaking. Without thinking, my mother said, "This is Sister [Last Name]." The little girl started gasping, "Oh! Oh! Oh!" She covered the mouthpiece and called to her mother, "Mom! It's Sister [Last Name]! She's ALIVE!" Then she said into the mouthpiece, "Sister [Last Name], I thought you were dead." My mother then had to explain to her that she was just the daughter-in-law and that Sister [Last Name] was, in fact, dead.


kellyroxanne said...

bring out your dead! bring out your dead!

i'm not dead! i'm happy! i'm happy!

name that movie...

DP said...

Just for the record, I, ah, uh; well, that's exactly what I said. But you have to admit, you laughed.

Jonathon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jonathon said...

That last one especially just kills me!

stupidramblings said...

In the summer between grades nine (9) and ten (10), one of my classmates died. He died in his sleep from unknown causes--almost like SIDS--and it was very sad.

Anyway, in our first period class, we had a brand new first year teacher. We were all jabbering as the teacher called roll as he intoned each name. When he called out the deceased's name, everybody got real quiet.

The teacher repeated his name a few times like Ben Stein in 'Ferris B.'s (too lazy to look up the spelling) Day Off.' Finally one of the popular girls piped up.

"Mr. [teacher], he died."
"No way."
"Yeah. It happened about a month ago."
"I'm a first year teacher, but I'm not that dumb." [awkward pause] "You're serious?"
"Dead serious."

He had to call the main office to verify, because with a conversation like that, there wasn't any way to convince him.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your grandma.

Azucar said...

When Steve & Catheryn died last month, I was in charge of ordering some flowers from our work for their services.

"Who are the flowers for?" asked the florist.
"Steve and Catheryn Roundy," I answered.
"Right, but which one are they for?" said the florist.
"Steve and Catheryn," I repeated.
"But which one?" she said.

"Steve and Catheryn. Both of them. They're both dead," I said.

Ok, maybe that doesn't seem funny to you, but Steve and Catheryn would have laughed at her and I did too. Really, I promise, two people.

Jenny said...

I thought you would find my rant on updating your blog mildly amusing. And then I felt pretty stupid when I discovered the reason for the neglect. So I debated as to whether I should call and apologize for being so heartless, or if I should just severe our friendship entirely and hope I don't awkwardly run into you again. I choose the later. And now it's all over the world wide web. I'll just go crawl in a corner and hope that no one ever talks to me.

Rachel said...

You big turd, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?! Happy birthday!!!

Cicada said...

Rachel, would the fact that it was my birthday have changed the fact that you had your work Christmas party? No, my friend. I simply remained quietly crushed that the one person I asked to go to a birthday lunch with me refused the invitation.

Squirrel Boy said...

Never refuse an invitation from Cicada. She will never let you forget it.

Aoi Sakura said...

To kellyroxanne--

It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail, right? I've only seen it once, so I hope I'm right.